I have a quote, actually I have a lot of quotes. I walk around with a little notebook not only inside the house so I can write ideas, words, quotes,phrases that I read or see on t.v, I also walk around the street with that white notebook that is now looking to be more of a yellowish colour. I´ll probably end up getting fed up with it and use it as toilet paper. But the thing about the magic notebook is the quotes. And here is one said by a very smart man that I have no idea what his name is.
“A man lives one life but history will remember him forever.” You know what I say to this, fuckweesel(and this word is courtesy of a fellow blogger, pretty cool word in my dictionary.)
Yes I´ll live once, yes some people will remember me when I´m playing cards, smoking and drinking with the MAN upstairs. Problem is I don´t give a shit about the second part. I don´t want to be remembered when I´m gone. I want to matter while I´m still in this earth, while I´m doing whatever the fuck I´m doing which I´m not quite sure where I´m heading. Not because I don´t know what I want, it´s more of a health problem. If my body fucks with me, I have to put everything on hold and spend a couple of weeks at the very least in a white hospital bed, white walls, blue pijamas, and that´s fucking depressing. Although I´ve already assimilate it, don´t think about it just live day by day as best as I can or as best as my body lets me. At the end of the day it is my fault for drinking like drunken sailor not only on leave but on the ship too.
I know the word tomorrow is an elusive word for me, because you never know with this pancreatitis thing. So if tomorrow I´m out, I´ve checked out early and go see the MAN, that is if he wants me. Maybe the bastard looks at me and says “Screw this, you going back down…to hell.” There´s that possibility.
So screw it. History is not going to remember me. I didn´t invent a lightbulb, said the word Eureka, haven´t started wars(although I did fight in two),haven´t invented the i-pad, or internet. So no, history will not remember me, only few people will remember me and I hope that for their sake the remembering part doesn´t last to long. Fuck that, I wouldn´t want to remember myself. I´ve dropped out of college, I joined the army and been to war(strangely enough those where the best days of my life, go figure) As a good friend blogger has said, I´m a man whore. I´ve fucked everything in sight, I smoke too much, I´m a drunk, I´m a cripple, I´m 31 and broke, living in the basement of my parents house, can´t buy books in Amazon because I don´t have a fucking credit card, I´ve been arrested and in jail, so technically I´m a criminal although I don´t see myself as one of them but I did pretty bad things, and that´s in part why I don´t have a bank account cause I don´t know if the government one day will come across one of my pending cases and get the little money I have or sent me to prison. I can´t go back to the army now I´m not 20 years old, what can I do, only what you are reading. Writing is what I can do, and I ain´t to good at it.
So after all this shit I laid down what do I want to be remembered now, today? I woke up early at 7 a.m I fed my farting pissing shitting mother´s dogs, I cleaned their shits in the garden, I red about writing techniques, I wrote little short story which I always keep them stored away in the hard drive of my crusty friend Mackintosh to send them out, which I have with no success. But I´m not giving up, not today. And if tomorrow comes I still won´t give up. The hole country is broke, 27% unemployment so a steady paying job goes out the window but my parents are here, my mother is here, we have an ironic-dark sense of humour and we fuck around with each other and we make each other laugh, I don´t want to go back with the group of so called friends to do the same screwed up things I did. I´m working in on my writing, I´m focusing my energies in this endeavour and not on trying to fuck this girl, or do some screwed up illegal thing. I´m a veteran, what a veteran hu? I´m a hero right, as a girl said to me when I was in a bar trying to pick her up, fuck hero. Only people who never been there use that word. I´m happy, I´m sober, I can wake up early without a hangover, have a cup of coffe while I take in the smells of the flowers, see the sunrise. I mean really see it, take it in, take in the breeze on my face, happy me happy family.
So today, this is what I want to be remembered for.