I ´m unable to say I´m for euthanasia. In my previous experiences with death there was a glimmer of hope, a one percentage, even though you or your buddies might end up living a bad life, fuck it I prefer to keep on fighting a bad life than to be a coward and kill myself or have somebody else kill me.

Now is different, when I spend a week with my uncle who is dying of aids, and he is in the terminal phase. He doesn´t have the strength to walk, he pisses blood, shits blood, out of his mouth comes blood, his legs hurt because of thrombus, he can´t eat and he´s still begging for a hamburger. We gave him custard and as quick as it went down his thought it came back out. Through all this I was there. My mother is still there with him. I remember him sleeping, me sitting next to him and it was like watching a corpse. A very skinny corpse. So we did a 24 hour rotation me and my mother. I went there at around 6 p.m and stayed there until 6 p.m the next day. Not easy by the way, I think I found it easier being in combat and I´m not kidding. You´re sleeping, or better said nodding off and on in a fucked up chair with one eye open watching my uncle nurses come and go, families cry because of the death of someone two doors down. And I was there for only 7 days, my mother has been there for a hole month. I told her I could get back on the train and be there in 3 hours.She said no, go back home, clean the house, take care of the dogs, or her dogs, and make sure your father is O.K. Better not talk about dad since the man if you take him out of his comfort zone which is his job, he´s unable to function. I´m the one that looks what is about to be finished, do we have enough spagettis, or rice or toilet paper or whatever other shits you need in a big house. So mom know I can do that job, so she sends me there, she knows my father is under a lot of pressure because of his work and he has to be focus on that. So each one play´s it´s part.

My mother has been watching this and staying with him for a month, and she is 59! Even the nurses told me how the hell could she endure such thing, they never saw it. Family members they told me,  at this stage of his fucked up body usually take them to a place where there are caregivers that will take care of them until they die. Not my mom, I told her plainly, “Mom, the reality is that he won´t last very long, don´t know how long but he is not going to get better he is going to get worst”. She nodded. And said “He´s my brother, he´s a great guy, I can´t can´t leave this kid here alone.” So I´m back at my parents house and on next Monday the 23 I´ll be back with her and my uncle if he still alive by then to do the 24 hour rotation. What a fucking Christmas right?(That´s why I saved so many posts)

I can deal with it though, and mom knows it, that´s why I´m going back and forth from Malaga to Madrid in the fucking “bullet” train in just 3 hours. The fucking bullet train that the government spend God know how much money and now it´s empty because the country is broke and the fairs don´t seem to go down.

My uncle is perfectly lucid in the head, he knows it´s coming, you try to make some kind of jokes here and there but right now he´s not up to that. He seems tired of living like that. He´d love to be at his little apartment taking care of his “babies” which are his flowers, buying little things to adorn his apartment, can´t get more gay than that, but he loves it. And he knows he will never be going to do those things. My mother says he rarely talks right now, he´s pissed off because he has to be taken care off when all his life he´s done things for himself. I never thought I would say this but I do hope he dies soon and his misery ends. And also our misery, because it´s quite hard to see a person you love be in that state. But there is that glimmer, not of living because he´s in the terminal phase but of us being around him. And even though some days, all days really is misery, we don´t cry, we stay strong, we keep him strong and as happy as he can be until he eventually takes his last breath.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.


  1. There’s always a reason a person survives even the most painful illness. And it’s not really about him. It’s about the people around him who learns valuable lessons in life like compassion and sacrifice.
    I do hope he finds peace.

  2. To sit beside someone in the family who dies like this must be extremly difficult.
    After working as a nurse, I’m for euthanasia – if the ill person is really suffering and wants it and if theres no chance left for less suffering. I know some doctors in the hosptials are using this in the absolutely final phase, if the patient has too much pain and anguish – the give them sedative so the fell sleep just before they die. But the don’t call it euthanasia,This is not an easy question. I hope you have somone who is supporting you too in this tough time.

    1. I´m the one who has to support my mother and take care of the house, dogs, food, father. She won´t let go, she´ll stay there no matter what.Well, until the end comes naturally.

      1. Before I go. I sometimes read an write my post on my i phone. And my thumb keeps touching the follow button.when I reply. So if I go away and show up again as a follower- it’s just my thumb thsts to big. Have a nice evening!

  3. a thumb that’s too big for the screen….should it say. It’s so annoying because sometimes it can take days before I notice it has happende. So i-phone are not always that good.

      1. it’s like a mini I’pad..It’s a normal mobile phone, but ypu don’t have actual buttons to press. When you dial the phonenumber you touch the number on the screen. Everything is about touching ypur fingers on the screen on the mobile. You can surf on internet and when ypu change side or write something ypu touches the screen and this is frustrating ( my own fault, I bought an iphone) because everything is so small, and sometimes the screen doesn’t “respond/react” so ypu press two times or ypu press harder and then ypu clean the little screen and then ypu press again, and that’s when ypu suddenly misses ypur blogs or suddenly follow a blog ypu never intended too …To be absolutely hones, it’s like a joke – but when I bought this phone I asked for mobile that could take and leave messages and to phone with -nothing more. But this sales person were at his peak and he was pure lucky to meet me…I had a panic in the shop and all my focus was at not making a fool out of myself, and after the young sales man nr 1, for the fifth timetold me ” Why are ypu hesitating? I bought it, just to get rid of the man and to get out of the shop. It’s very expensive to have a panic disorder…
        So I’m stuck with this iphone who does a million of things……just be glad that ypu don’t have one.

      2. I was going to say, that what a rant about your mobile phone, found it funny at first, because you got so hooked up in every little detail. But panic attack and expensive….next time go to those little shops that you buy less expensive things and if you have an panic attack then at least you won´t have your wallet empty.
        We will make a trade, I will give you my shitty mobile and you give me your i-phone. It´s a win win situation, believe me that with my mobile phone(cell phone) you wont get frustrated, it´s made so even a two year old kid can use it.

      3. Next time I won’t get fooled. My problem is, I’m sometimes to kind, I mean I started to think that this young salesman needed a good day and if he sell another phone he’d be happy. But .I was a fool that did’nt understand that he didn’t care. I should take care om myself instead.Enough talking. I would love to give you my i-phone :-)- but it is a cost every month to use it for “everything” it provides. so I don’t think you would like the bills. I don’t..

      4. I worked as a telemarketer, you know the people that call you at the worst time when you are at home and try to sell you something? That I did for 5 months, I was selling insurance to old people, basically telling them that this was a good plan for them in case they died. I´m not kidding. There was a lot of pressure on us to subscribe at least 30 per month, if not the second month you where out and outside there where a hole bunch of young people like myself eager to take that position. You had to be a quick talker and quite a convincing one, and really a scammer if I tell you the truth. We had some of their personal information, and you always wanted to talk to the older people since they where the ones more easily to convince rather than their son. Tell the son your calling to sell him and his parents and insurance plan in case him or his parents die. The son, normally send you to hell, with more explicit words. But It was fun for me, I might sound like a bad person but hey, I´m not perfect. It was fun because of the pressure since you knew you had to make at least those 30 sales a month and the competition between each of the people that worked there. That was also a pool of all sharks. But unlike the army these sharks didn´t save you, if they could they would stomp on you. Which I like, I like that competition, I like that pressure, it pumps you up, it gives me life. Yet again, I also like to sit down quietly and read or write or blog. I guess it´s the duality of man and woman. Or maybe it´s just me that I´m strange.

      5. I think you are perfectly normal, even better than that – because you’re honest. In your writing. If any of your friends or you ever should go back to tele marketing- My advice (and it’s for free) is to add people with a panic disorder on your list besides the old people. I promisenyou will reach a peak at your sales

      6. naaa, I actually feel bad now. It really is a con. I prefer now to write and write and read and blog, see if a real job appears or maybe write the next great novel ever written and be a live from my writing. Hey, you don´t loose anything by dreaming right?

      7. I tell you one thing. You are only 31, you should not only dream- you should go out there and make your dreams real. Ok? Don’t wait for the job to appear, ypur smart – go out and find it ( I know its incredibly difficult, but do it anyway). Because even if you are a brilliant writer – it takes time to make a living on it. And you shall dream and point higher than the moon – because it’s your birthright to do so.The one who loses, is the one who doesn’t dream or live. Have ypu started on a novel or a book?

      8. I have a hole bunch of short stories, thinking about writing a novel, maybe a fictionalise version of my life with my little ironic humour I inject in my writing.

      9. Sounds great. Start now, don’t wait. Have it as a project besides your blog. I wrote a book about when I was a nurse and some other things. I didn’t get it published..yet I shall say. I only contacted two big book publishers. One day I may do another try. Right now I don’t have the time to focus on the book, it’s there and I’m not sure that I want it to be a “succes”. It’s a bit to honest to go public. We’ll see.

      10. I would love too but you know the problems right now with the family, sometimes I hope he dies soon so we can mourn and then keep on going on with our life´s. And me concentrate more on my writing.

        Right now I was just hung up reading this wattpad thing, which is a place for writers to publish their writings, sort of wordpress but I think it can give the writer more possibilities to take the next step and get published in some form or another, be it self publish, getting a publisher, e.t.c. You should check it out, I just registered under the name Charly31, won´t write anything yet until I have something good to put up. This is more serious writing than my crazy life blog in wordpress. I have a hole bunch of short stories stored away in print right next to me actually in a folder, so I´d like to re-read them again and see what improvements can be made and how to focus my wattpad account. But for now, it´s on hold, because now it´s all uncertainty with my uncle.

      11. I understand that you have to take care of the family. I will check this wattpad out. I haven’t heard of it before. I’m sure you’re going to succed with ypu writing.
        When I’m saticfied with all parts in my book, I may translate it to and to put parts out on sites like that, just to see if the standard of the writing is high enough.

      12. Forgot.

        If you already have a book written, I urge you to put it out there, specially if it´s honest. People like that, and you will see that they will appreciate your bravery. And most important read the book. Or you can put in this little pieces or chapters or scenes of the book. Give it a try, I will as soon as my family problems are resolved.

      13. I May do that. Thank you for the link! I must translate the into english first. It will cost a bit. But I will get it out one day. I wrote it more than ten years ago and still I stand for every letter in it. Thank you so much for giving me the courage.

      1. There you are,
        I woke up at 11 a.m today, went to bed yesterday at around 5 a.m, couldn´t sleep. Then I had to do the laundry, the dishes, clean the house, clean the dog´s shit, and…. go housemaids! It´s quite a job taking care of a big house.
        How are you?

      2. I’m tired. My son had nightmares and once he almost went out in the middle of the night in his sleep ( I don’t like the sound of doors when I sleep- so I woke up and put him back to bed. One hour later he was up in his sleep, turning the microowen on… I put him back to his bed… and the rest of the night I was the cavewoman sleeping with one eye open. Now I have lunch and I’m off to meet an entreprenour in my job to discuss work in some apartments. It’s a new job and I’m nervous. Thank you for asking!

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