Dichotomy of me

Damn, is 2:15 a.m and I was going to say that I was bored as hell but not really, I just spend the last 3 hours writing a short story. Later on I started thinking, which is rare for me I just do it once in a blue moon.

I should have done a bunch of things this month, that includes shitty jobs, see the social security gal that advises me in my economical situation and what type of helps the government is throwing away to people like me, getting pissed drunk and having sex with some random chick, have to pay the bills for my attorney and the the court fees so now I´m broke again. I was going to move to a bedroom in a house with two other people next month and that wont be since I have a broken ankle and have to take some pain medicine, keep the leg up and then stick a needle that is suppose to not let the blood clutter since I´m not moving, plus 10 of those needles for ten days just cost me today 50 euros, and I have to inject it for 6 weeks it´s what the doctors said that I should be with the cast and moving as little as possible. Then I have my two parents who are sick, and me…damn again.

I would like to write some sad story as I see in other blogs, or some sorry words, or some profound thing about life and mortality or some thing like that. And I have been closer to mortality than probably most of the population on several occasions and I just can´t say anything like that. I feel like laughing at the whole situation. You had to see me on crutches walking down to the garden and feeding the two dogs, freaking bastards. Then up and down the stairs again to get ice for the foot, and since I see that both of my parents are getting worst I finally told my mother to go get some sleep that I could manage the meal. That was a joke to see me bumping into things, though the spaghetti came out quite nice. Try to do all those things with just one leg, plus grabbing the plates, e.t.c. Plus the pain, I had to laugh at my situation.

Why dichotomy of me, because I´m terrible at regular day to day things, most of the time anyways. Then my drinking problem.  But when the proverbial shit hits the fan drinking and party goes out the window,then take  care of two people while you are on crutches and in pain and take care of yourself, but the last thing that crosses my mind is to feel sorry for myself, and I have absolutely no sentiments towards me or my feelings. I know I have to do A B and then C. Whatever it takes, but it has to be done. And I do it. Which is why I have always said that I go in what I call my “robotic mode”. Crying or getting anxious in this moment because of health situations of my parents is not going to solve a thing, so that´s discarded and let alone me with the freaking pain and crutches stumbling around the house and garden and later on this next week I´ll have to go to the doc and eventually see the social security worker. And it is quite tiresome walking with one leg on crutches and specially with my own health having sever pancreatitis that has left me very weak since I do not take as much care of myself as I should. But, when situations like these come at me….hell, I don´t know what happens to me but I´m great at reacting and solving the problems at hand.

Just a 2 a.m thought.


  1. I up woke at 2.30. But this time, I didn’t wake up with panic…just feet vulnurable and stupid….. I layed there telling myself repeatedly, stay frosty and don’t freak out. You’re ok. So i fell asleep again miraculously….and now I get it…it must have been you and your typing who woke me up 🙂
    I hope you’re parents are getting better soon.

    1. I could tell a great story about it, but really it was quite simple although when I tell it I´ll have to juice it up.

      I know your 2 a.m extravagant things you do, yes you, party marty! is what you do 😉

  2. charly help. are you the only person in the world other than me, who clicks that stupid notification button , bell and nothing happens? did anyone ever help you?. i have no notifications for 5 long days

      1. charly thank-you so much. i think you are saying if i type that, the page will appear. i don’t even know what the statistics page is.lol..i think that’s that stupid new page..i’ll try.
        i hope you feel better soon.if you really quit smoking, you and the dogs could be my roomate and there are no stairs and i can try out this pumpkin liver ice cream for dogs recipe.lol

      2. your good with solutions. i don’t know anyone else who has any answers…. just had an idea. i’ll rent you the condo,i left on the 4th floor/ elevator.. people stand outside and smoke, so you (i) can’t walk by…no smoking allowed inside condos here, which is too bad, b/c everyone stands outside & tries to kill me.

    1. You had to see me cleaning the dishes and other things in the kitchen plus taking out the garbage today, took me almost 40 minutes when I can do it in 10 minutes. I did brake a good sweat I can tell you that, so I´m actually starting to dig being with a cast. When they take it off my arms are going to be bigger than my legs, or at least my right leg, which will be kind of weird now that I think about it, but hey, weird is my middle name. So my body will fit with my personality.

  3. Hmm. It seems we do a lot of deep thinking at night, when it’s quiet and our bodies are tired but our minds are somehow racing. So much is happening in your life, seems like you’d like a lot of it straightened out. It’s uplifting to know you see some humor in these things. And your writing is nice, and helps you to express yourself to find at least some comfort in tough times. Hope you’re off those crutches soon.

    1. Hello there Nicole, well it´s 6 weeks with the cast and crutches so not very soon, actually I was sort of meditating out loud or meditating on paper if you will. Why do I excel when pretty crummy thing happens around me and why do I screw up(not always I did exagerate a bit) when everything is going fine. Quite strange.

      Have a great weekend.

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