the last train


The last train has long been gone. I hit the bottom, yet again. So many
times I have been in detox centres that this time I decided it has to be
only on me to stay sober.

I don´t have a steady job, neither does over 20% of the population,
Writing is my job but it doesn´t pay the 10 by 20 foot room I rent. I know
the measurements because I just measured them!I get odd jobs here and there,
which you obviously don´t pay taxes on them. I receive a 350$ pension from the state,
that is great. With that I pay rent,little food,little cigarettes,and the booze.
No eating at restaurants, no movies, no nothing. Whoever said money doesn´t make you happy….
I can kill that person.

To not get the booze I play mind tricks. Obviously stick to my daily schedule I have set
to myself, but when I get in this 10 by 20 foot room….I dress as if I was on a job interview
while I sit in the only hard wooden chair in front of the computer. As long as I write
I´m in a office so I dress as a Wall Street executive. If I decide to lay down to read in bed,
I put on a tracksuit. I get up to the computer and put on my work clothes.
Just little mind tricks if not I slip into the dark side.
The last train….I guess I´ll have to buy a new one.


    1. I don´t feel sorry about myself. No meetings are going to help me, I have actually talked to alcoholics in meetings me being ¨invited¨ as a recovering one, and before the meeting I had some beers. My talking was great and inspirational, I know it from A to Z the so called road to recovery. I was high as a kite in those talks I gave, not only alcohol, and people shook my hand. You can say a fraud but even though I was not sober my talking did help others. So I got to this point in my life for my own decisions through out my life, I own it and I have to make it work, it´s me and me. There is no sorry me, that´s the worst thing I can say to myself. Just man up and do what I have to do.

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