Something is wrong with me

9:30 a.m, the phone rings. I ask myself who would it be,
I wake up from bed check phone ID and is my father.
My mother passed on the 14th of this month.
They been married for 50 plus years.
My mother was the one who raised me since dad was always traveling,
I don´t have recollections of him being in a soccer game or just overall
being around as a kid. Very few very few.
He asks me the same question as always “How are you?”
Me-“And how are you doing?”
Him-“Good.”
Normaly that would the extent of the conversation really,
but I know he has something in his mind, so I change the subject
to his work. When mother was in the comma I basically got in his face
and told him “You have to focus on your work now 100%”, although I did use some curse words.
He acknoweldeged and since for me he has always been superman, it now weird
for him to reach out and talk to me. That was mom.
So he calls me at 9:30 p.m I think it was weird, I get him to talk about his work,
and he broke down. I still have trouble crying, only now if I write about it,
but it seems I´m extremely well at putting it in the back of my head a tragic situation
and leave it there in a box and concentrate on my day to day things.
So he broke down, and what was my response? ” I have to go to bed now and get some rest”
Today he seemed better when I called him this time, that´s our relationship and I still
can´t figure out why I can´t cry and I started reading a book, forgot about everything
and went to sleep.
Something is wrong with me when you take into consideration I was the one with her until her end,
she was the one that raised me and the greatest mom, I have even blocked out images of her
death, and other images of her laughing with me, cooking, whatever. I blocked it out.

Read you all later you alligator and innovator

2 comments

  1. I am sorry for your loss. This is one of the hardest things to deal with in life and for many our bodies go into self-protection mode. This sounds like what your mind is doing. There is nothing wrong with you. Your body just has a different way of handling this situation. Sending lots of support and good vibes to you and your dad.

    1. Thank you Mary Jaimes, I guess I have allways dealt with tragic situations in this matter, but I didn´t thought it would be with my own mother and me now cheering up the man I considered Superman, that being my dad. I do know this, he does loves me, although yesterday when he called you could tell he had some drinks on him, which is normal with all the pressure. I understand that, I guess since I knew that the next day he would either deny it as always or whatever other thing, I just said ” good night”, which is not the most sentimental thing, not even my mother was sentimental although she was very empathetic and a great heart she had for other people and guess what… yep, this crazy son.
      Appreciate you taking the time to read and specially the warmfelt comment.

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