Loosing a mother


Maybe this is therapy for me, I remember sleeping in the bed next to her
in her house that is, checking on her for a month when she really was very weak.
I knew all her pills she had to take, once I saw morphine I knew it was a mater
of time for her to go. I remember at 4 a.m, about that time when she woke up
had to go to the bathroom (I took care of all of that, cleaning her later and the rest)
I was actually reading in the bed in her bedroom next to her, so I jump out, grab
her and I couldn´t hold a dead weight, I remember putting a sheet under her and a pillow
under her neck. Just instinct. Then call my father in the other room, while talking to
the emergency guys. I literally told them after all the questions they where asking me
“I don´t give a fuck I need an ambulance two minutes ago”. In a calm voice even if the choice
of words were not perfect, but calm. My father saw that, heard it obviously and he was
the one who sent me to the hospitay with her for 4 more days until she died at 3.44,56 seconds a.m.
I registered it, don´t know why. I stll haven´t cried, I touch her and she was already cold so
my guess is she died a couple of hours earlier, I just couldn´t stay awake for so many days.
I nod off then back again, check on her, the medics told me they where inducing her into a comma
so we knew. She died on the 14th of June. That picture above I want myself to remind me of her
since it seems I completely blocked her out, again, not cried, I just block it off and
being the strong woman she was probably is what she wanted, to move on.

24 comments

  1. You are absolutely amazing to have taken such beautiful care of your mom like that Charly, and writing the truth about it so well too 👏💔😭🙏

    1. She was the one who raised me by herself, couldn´t do less for her. I think it is also a message for everybody, I hope, the unit of the familly is crucial.
      Thank you for taking the time to read and coment.

  2. This is so heart touching to read the way you took care of your mon in her last days. Probably, she passed away with a big smile on her face to have raised such a wonderful and caring son like you. All power goes to you 🙏. Stay blessed always !

    1. Thank you for the comment, I´m actually a terrible son. I did good things like work, army days, taking care of her, but I have a lot of flaws.
      Anyways, again thank you for the comment.

  3. You have always been a good son to your Mom, Charly. Wish you had more time together. You are about the age of my daughter – I know it is too early to lose a mother at this age. Write what you remember about her – it is healing, and it is the way to memorize things. Life is full of wonders, we don’t know to where we continue, and what might be crucial on our way.

    1. Not sure about a good son, but I did the best and what I thought it was adequate for loving her. A lot of mistakes in my life, I´m actually glad she doesn´t has to suffer anymore. That may sound weird and bad, but to see her suffering it was probably worst than see her dead. This comment went weird, sorry, just me.
      Appreciate your comment that is, thank you and I hope you and your family are doing good with this new situation with the Corona.

      1. I understand what you are saying, and I agree. Watching your mother suffer was a nightmare, and seeing her die was a relief. I am so very sorry she had to go through all of this and didn’t make it. Very sad.

    1. Thank you Mrs. Ritu, my mother was quite amazed how I handled her situation as well as my father, I know I screw up in a lot of things but when it gets to real severe things it comes natural for me to take care and see this or that and what has to happen next or may not happen all the variables. I even amaze myself, kind of weird anyways. I just hope and I believe she treasuered that last month.

  4. I’m so sorry for your loss, Charley. Sending my regards to you and your family through this difficult time. She sounds like a wonderful person. Time is a healer, stay strong 💫

    1. The spelling is the least, specially with my name or what I write ( I don´t edit in this blog that is, it is called crazy life), I do appreciate you taking the time to read and comment. No worries about my loss, we as a family saw it comming, just have to adapt to the new reality and that includes not only me calling my mom about what I saw in the soccer game (she loved soccer, quite the expert to tell you the truth) and seeing different soccer games and then me wanting to tell her about that, well she is gone. So I literally blocked in my head anything to do with soccer as well other things. Love her to my death obviously, but it is kind of strange for people, but not those who really know me, that I will block or compartementilize (sorry about the bad grammar) these type of things, probably learned it as a kid from her, it also happens to block things our when my army days, so every tragedy I seem to be very calm since emotions don´t get the best of me. It may sound very calous, yet it is my way to keep my right foot in front of my left foot. Just keep on going step by small step. I write about it yet it seems I´m watching it from above if that makes any sense, If I get emotionally detached it just works for me. Knowing mom and how she handled things apart from my screwed up life I chose to live, she was happy I was there with her and I believe happy that I don´t cry for her, every day that is. I do have my weak moments. Like now. It´s 1;35 a.m in Spain and can´t sleep, so maybe something is bothering me yet I still manage to put it in the back of the head to not relieve it, I don´t know if this comment made any sense. Yet it was a long one, so maybe this weird wordpress thing is part of some therapy, don´t know. I do know I don´t want to talk about my mother in my day to day life, but writing about it with people I don´t even know, just putting it in public maybe that is my way of healing, again I´m not sure. I´m sure I can write about this cry a bit and at the same time look at myself and say “you are crying Charly, so lets keep on with it until you don´t cry” and by the way give you a loooooong comment, and bad written, so sorry for the long bad written commnent and thank you for stoping by and your both comments. I do appreciate it.
      Holy…… I´m done Mrs or Miss. Gandhi, now have to change the mentality, how are you doing? I´m sure you´re good though, by the way I talked to Kruti is her name, she seems to do o.k in the U. S with the Corona virus, so thanks for that, although she does drives me a bit nuts, she has a great job a great husband and a son and she is complaining the job stresses her out. Holy shit, job…. wish I had a job with this Corona virus, I have no clue if I will be able to pay rent next month, and she complaining about that she has too much work in the U.S…. sometimes pisses me off, but knowing her quite a bit I can position myself in her mentality even though she agravates me from time to time. She truly has a privilege life and me…. I´m fucked like a lot of people, lucky to get internet now, no internet before so lucky for that and more obviously. I hope some times she would be in my position to truly appreciate the so called small things, and yes, I did write this long comment since I´m a bit high. Not to try to ruin your perspective of me, but once in a while I do get high and start writing dumb things. Although I thought I wrote the truth but yet…. pain in the but would be my guess for the other person. Hope is not the case for you and again I would say sorry but for what? I could delete the comment but I´m not, it´s me and me.
      Anyways, hope you have a great day and I hope (since I literally live in a first floor next to a bar) you can sleep well, not me with all these people drunk talking and fighting, quite interesting actually when you see two idiots fighting, some times not always I know, holy crap how much did I write in one comment? And I believe you make me feel secure in certain sense hence I think you are some kind of psychologist or something….. which you are not,. I will be more rational tomorrow, but toay is what it is so I hope I don´t change this fact, I might obviously regret it tomorrow but I will have a cronology of how I process the things when a bit high, too much actually, shame? Forgot about that word.

      So hope you don´t take this comment too bad, I know it is a little crazy although it is making me write and specially hope you are doing good. I do know this about me, I´m not a bad person, I can also be a pain in the ass with my dummy things but I do try to trust people and if they respond in the right matter they give me hope for me to become a better person. Like you.
      I should probably go to sleep now.
      Stay Frosty gentess= stay calm, cool, collected.
      Learned that from a U.S Marine that phrase I usually end the posts, which now I´m calm, but I don´t have the 6 sense going on.
      Done writing, hope you don´t get upset after this long semi weird comment.

      1. That makes perfect sense to me and I understand where are you are coming from, no need to edit or delete anything; I like that you are raw and true to who you are. Being in the army, you’ve most likely dealt with your fair share of trauma and so you are used to being emotionally numb or blocking out the emotions. Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief and just because you don’t cry, it doesn’t mean that you aren’t processing this in your own way. As you say, I’m sure that your mum wouldn’t want that for you and that she would want you to slowly move on and rebuild yourself again. I can see that using WordPress as an outlet to talk about your feelings is a good thing for you. It isn’t always easy to talk to people that you know, as they might just irritate you and not respond in the way that you’d like, or they too are still processing their feelings and talking about it may seem like a trigger. We’re all here as a community to support and help one another heal 💗
        I’m sorry to hear about the job situation as well…covid has well and truly has ruined a lot of lives and has a lot to answer for. And some people perhaps don’t realise how lucky they are to be in a stable job (even if they are being overworked to cover for those in furlough). Many others would kill to be in that situation right now. Being furloughed isn’t exactly all fun and games, as you have no idea if you’ll still have a job at the end of it all. Being unoccupied is probably the worst thing for our minds and overthinking becomes our worst enemy. But yeah, I hope this somewhat helps and it’s okay to not be okay. You don’t need to justify to anyone how you are grieving, just do your thing if it works for you 💫

      2. “Just do your thing if it works for you” You said at the end of the comment. Sorry again for the loooong comment yesterday, but I have to stick with what you said at the end, if not we are done.

  5. I helped my gramps do the same for my granny. I was there the last minute and it isn’t any easier, but the peace she now has in death. Granny died in 2005, she was my mother, the woman who made me strong, got my life turned around and loved me no matter what. That ws your mother Charly, she was a strong woman, she raised a strong man but strong doesn’t mean not feeling or allowing emotions. She had them, proably more than she showed you. My granny was the same way, a rock. You’re rock but that doesn’t mean your solid, you have plenty heart and love to go around. It’s the exterior that’s rough, that won’t change, it’s who you are but remember you aren’t hard down to the heart, I know better!!!!! You know how to feel the love!

  6. I was going to say “there’s nothing worse than the loss of a parent” but that’s just not true. thank you for being willing to share your story, and don’t worry about not crying or not coping the way people think you should. We get through the way we get through/the way that works for us. The tears may come, but it’s okay if they don’t. Just make sure you’re taking care of yourself

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