Maybe this is therapy for me, I remember sleeping in the bed next to her
in her house that is, checking on her for a month when she really was very weak.
I knew all her pills she had to take, once I saw morphine I knew it was a mater
of time for her to go. I remember at 4 a.m, about that time when she woke up
had to go to the bathroom (I took care of all of that, cleaning her later and the rest)
I was actually reading in the bed in her bedroom next to her, so I jump out, grab
her and I couldn´t hold a dead weight, I remember putting a sheet under her and a pillow
under her neck. Just instinct. Then call my father in the other room, while talking to
the emergency guys. I literally told them after all the questions they where asking me
“I don´t give a fuck I need an ambulance two minutes ago”. In a calm voice even if the choice
of words were not perfect, but calm. My father saw that, heard it obviously and he was
the one who sent me to the hospitay with her for 4 more days until she died at 3.44,56 seconds a.m.
I registered it, don´t know why. I stll haven´t cried, I touch her and she was already cold so
my guess is she died a couple of hours earlier, I just couldn´t stay awake for so many days.
I nod off then back again, check on her, the medics told me they where inducing her into a comma
so we knew. She died on the 14th of June. That picture above I want myself to remind me of her
since it seems I completely blocked her out, again, not cried, I just block it off and
being the strong woman she was probably is what she wanted, to move on.