funny

My mom has an enemy….called google!!

The conversation
Mom- I don´t like people following me.

Son- What? ( a bit confuse as to where this came from all of a sudden)

Mom- People in the internet follow me

Son- Mom, who in the world is following you if you rarely get in the internet

Mom- google

Son-google what?!!!

Mom- google follows me, I hate that.

Son-How in the world is google going to follow you, is this going in the same
direction as to the “cloud” thing.

Mom- What cloud?

Son- You know when you said you send emails and they get lost in a cloud….

Mom- Shut up idiot, I´m talking now about google following me.

Son-Google doesn´t follow anybody!! (my face turning red)

Mom- Yes they do, I type a word for them to search and then I get a message
telling me that nothing is found with that word, and they keep sending me
more messages.

Son- (thinking, what the f..ck, this woman has gone the deep end) Mom it´s a
notification telling you that they haven´t found anything related with what
you have put in the search, they´re helping you.

Mom- I don´t want anybody helping me! Let alone a computer that knows every
move I make, a person follows me, it irritates me.

Son- You fucking kidding me….

Mom-No, and stop swearing, but I hate that google person.

Son- Is not a person.

Mom-Well how does it know what I´m searching and then it also gives me ideas
as to what I would like to see,I know what I like to see, why does this person
has to tell me what I want to see.

Son- If you click in certain places it tracks that and then it gives you web pages
that you might be interested in,is not like you have to go there by force.

Mom- See? I told you, that person is following me.

Son- (sighs)

Mom- ( a smirk on her face)

Forgot, father- laughing out loud, nodding his head.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.

Letter to my 15 year old self (scary!)

Dear Charly,

Would you stop masturbating please. Is not healthy. Just go out and meet girls.
Holy shit Charly, I said to go out and meet girls not be constantly thinking about
having sex with them, just go back to masturbating.

Stop with the curse words, you should expand your vocabulary. Also, stop riding
your motorcycle up the hills and doing weeles  you can get hurt, don´t be such 
a dare devil. You always seem to seek adrenaline. Focus on your studies. Charly !
I said focus on your studies, that doesn´t mean that when you go to school which is
not very often that you focus on the teachers with the intention of  pissing them off.
Actually, get out of school, better get a job…. or not.

Stop with the parties, fist fights and more parties. Stop smoking….No! Don´t hit that
guy because you ran out of smokes and he won´t give you one. O.k then, just pick up
some cigarettes that are laying around on the pavement. Be a productive member of society.

Join the army or something, maybe they take you in. They did later on? Fuck, that
is really scary actually. Trusting you with a rifle…..

Hope everything goes well.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.

Who said suicide was easy?

Foto 130 I´m going incognito here, but man. This suicide thing is hard. I don´t know how people do it really.

This morning I decided to hang myself. But then I started looking for what I have seen in the movies you know, a simple piece of rope. I didn´t have a fucking rope in the house! So then I figured ties, and can you believe this, I don´t own ties. I think I haven´t worn a tie in years, not that I think is that I just haven´t. Doesnt´say much about me to tell the truth, fuck am I talking about killing myself…go figure. Anyways, next option I figured was to get pieces of shoelaces tie them up one to each other to create a rope. Bu the problem after that was that it was either too short to reach the fan or too long and I actually touched the floor. Then the freaking fan broke and I had my mother chasing me around the house with a broom. Hell that was scary. So I completely failed with this hanging thing and decided to take a rest since I spent the better half of the morning with the hanging ordeal until my mother chase me away with her not so magic broom but when I was going to the sofa…… IMG_1502 The bastard had taken it already. At least he is a patriotic dog though. He´s from Spain but as you can see he has change allegiances to the U.S. Even though I try to put him this t-shirt my old cool army oneFoto 191 on the bottom it says Spanish and on top Army. Then the eagle….that one just gives me the willies.

Back to the subject at hand. I figured I should jump out the window and get it over with. Hell, I´m afraid of hights. I couldn´t get my head too far off from the window. But I was persistent and I persisted and finally……………………………..IMG_1391bam! That´s exactly where  I ended up. On top of a pile of wood. Which did the cushy thing, look at the aftermathIMG_1400, yeah that´s the freaking aftermath. My mother again, she comes running down yelling like crazy saying I just screwed up her nice piece of rubble of wood and put me to do slave labour. (ladies don´t get to excited about that sexy body) I told her “mom I was just trying to kill myself so I jumped” She looked at me as if I was nuts, and told me she didn´t care that as long as I was under her roof no matter that I´m 32 (that´s a long story how I ended back at this age with them, but I do tend to disappear for a while one in a while…..that´s also some stories) anyways point being is that I ended like thisFoto 274 after the fall, and she could care less, that´s even sadder. I felt insulted really. Does this woman really love her son? At least she could shoot me. That´s what I told her, and she simply replied that then she would be the one going to jail so no way Jose, if I wanted to shoot myself then i should do exactly that shoot me with me.

So a loooong day so had to take a restFoto 315 but then I saw these……… pills and pills!IMG_0959 along with a cool fuet which is what distracted me from the real thing. I was going to go for the pills get an overdose and there is the fuet, here a closer look to one220px-Fuet it´s from the region of Spain Catalonia and is a thin, cured, dry sausage of pork meat in a pork gut. It damn good. So that distracted me, I eventually ended up eating three of those and I was so full and groggy it seemed like I couldn´t even open my eyes  after thatFoto 290. Man was I tired.

So now it´s 6:40 p.m and I have decided to hell with it and to keep on smoking like a maniac that´s why I got theseIMG_1030, yep,they are all contraband cigarettes, they taste like shit but their cheep and they weight this muchIMG_1011

 

So as of right now I´m just going to do the funky chicken dance.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses

Is that you mom???

So now it seems I can´t get into the add media section so I´ll have to write it down. Every day something happens to this wordpress thing.

“Don´t mistake my kindness for weakness, I am kind to everyone, but when someone is unkind to me, weak is not what you are going to remember about me”

Mom….you scared the shit out of me!!

Can you believe this woman, now that she know a bit about how to navigate the internet she has discovered instagram, plus she´s having a ball reading all the blogs, including mine!! Anyways that cool little quote she was the one who had saved it and wanted my father to print it, she´s getting better with the internet but the part of printing is still long ways to go. So that quote where in the world did she find it? Through a wordpress blog and who said that…… Al Capone!! This woman says she feels it sounds true to her, for crying out loud I´m sitting here on a chair with a cast on and trembling thinking I have this nut case on the other room watching some reality t.v show, the Spanish ones which should be banned or better yet criminalised.

Anyways, any one who has read me for some time pretty much knows the story of how I ended back in my parents home at age 30 and after living quite a nutty life to say the least. Although I did do a brief and fruitful sting in a university in the great state or I should say the great Communist Republic of California. And also I do tend to disappear from this house from time to time for quite some time. But that´s not here or there.

Point being, this woman wants to hang the piece of paper with that quote on the wall, and what´s even worst she doesn´t want to hang up the face of Aly boy up there, she wants her face to be next to the quote. Point being again, is that now that I spend time with them and reconnect…..I´m scared shitless with this woman. I´m actually rethinking the part of reconnect better disconnect. Plus is Friday the 13……I´m living with a gangster! Unreal.

Love you though. 😉

Mommy???? is that you??

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses. And beware who your family REALLY is……..

What´s with the Thanksgiving fuzz?

What was that all about? First you have the president of the U.S putting on a Turkey on a table and pardon it. Come on, you´re going to eat your turkey later on, and why would that turkey want to be pardoned, maybe she wants to be eaten. Maybe she´s a solidary turkey that knows a lot of her fellow creatures are going to be eaten and the rest that are alive are going to look at her as in saying “why do you have the privilage first, to go to the White House and second to be pardoned?” She´s going to be frowned upon my the rest of her species so in my mind the White House does a disservice to the turkey world. And  PETA should be outrage by this act of cruelty.

Another thing, thank who exactly? First it´s a turkey which just on the outside it taste bad that´s why they stuff them! Who eats a turkey that is not stuff…nobody. My point is that you have to pay a bunch of dough for the turkey, the stuffing, for what? Forgot, and the silverware that you just take out once a year to look good in front of a bunch of family and friends most of whom or at least some you really don´t like and say Thank You, you kidding me. The long lost uncle will come by, the second cousin that you hate will probably be there and you all eat in the same table once a year acting as you like each other, so I don´t see the Thank you part of it although maybe the Giving part it is there.

Just a rambling thought.

Happy thanksgiving, not kidding…i think.

Can´t abra cadabra the world

Yo! what do you want from me? I´m starting to get tired of this bullshit. Wan´t me to clean your little house and I do, want me to walk with you early in the morning and I do, want me to bathe you and I do, want me to cook you the meal and guess what….I do that too!
And now you want me to find you a girlfriend, come on man, what´s wrong with you?
I can´t abra cadabra the world.

This conversation took place early this evening and the bastard ended like thisIMG_1450

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.

 

Important facts to know!!!!

-When it was 12 minutes, 12 seconds,12 o´clock on December the 12 it was……12-12-12-12-12 And that gives me the hivy givies.

-If you fail your drivers license 3 times in Switzerland by law you will have to see a psychologist. Freaking Swiss, bunch of nut cases.

-Since 1978 at least 37 people have died from shaking vending machines in an attempt to get free food. Good! they disserve it for being idiots and trying the “free” stuff, see? nothing in life is free, even that shit.

-Ever notice how most of women problems start with men? Like men-struation, men- appause…..men-talbreakdowns! don´t jump on me ladies I´m just giving out the facts 😉

-The tongue is the strongest muscle in your body so make sure to use it wisely. Men! you know what I´m saying…..

A rhinoceros can ejaculate 10 times in half an hour. Son of a gun

-According to the Infinite Monkey Theorem a monkey hitting random keys on a keyboard will eventually end up typing all of Shakespeare’s plays. I knew that guy was not all that genius.

-45% of every dollar bill you have owned has been in a strippers g-string. I knew there was a reason they smelled funky when I was in the U.S.

-After and argument 85% of people tend to think of all the clever things they should have said. Bunch of dummies if you ask me.

-People born between 1996-1999 have lived in 3 decades, 2 centuries and 2 millenniums and they are not even 18! Lucky bastards.

Statistics from Harvard University have shown that humour is linked with higher I.Q. You got the example right in front of you here, or my writing I should say so I´m not in front of you per se but in spirit.

-It costs the U.S 2 cents to print a penny. There goes your debt……

-If your nipples get hard you burn 6 calories. Hell yeah! Where is a woman here? Or just cold air I´ll settle for that.

-People who avoid unnecessary arguments tend to have higher I.Q´s. I knew it, I can feel my neurons giggling inside my head, I don´t do stupid…..

It takes 2 seconds to determine another persons physical attractiveness. I just need a half a second but I´m me and you are you.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses, now you´re a bit smarter like me.

Dr. Charly is in the house!

Foto 273

About the shirtless thing, just woke up I do have a shirt on actually but if I had to take a picture it takes and eternity for this fucked up computer to get into photobooth so I just took one from the media part of the blog, plus it gives me more credibility as a doctor.

 

Sometimes I go by the name of Charles other times by Charlie and others by Charly. Either way, you might not believe it but I am a Psychiatrist hence the Dr. part before the name. Not a licensed one or the conventional one, but I have found out that I do give quite good compliments and have a deep understanding into human nature. So if your in dire strait please contact me.

If you feel suicidal…….take a deep breath, count to 9 and one quarter, take a step to the edge of where you are going to throw yourself and really look down at the people that are crossing underneath you. Would you really want to end up falling on top  of someone and making them also look like cream pie all plastered through the floor? You could be charged in a second degree murder, maybe not technically since you are already gone but you will be remembered as the suicide killer. You really want that? I doubt it. That would make you pause ad think twice. I know there are other methods of killing one self , but lets go slowly at least one of the methods is out of the table, the round table of options now you have one less.

Are you feeling lonely…….buy a dog. A study from the University of I don´t know in which part of the U.S but I´m sure it was in the U.S since who in the world would spend millions on studies such as studying the dogs brain and finally coming up with the official conclusion that dogs have feeling. Not kidding they actually did a study on that. Are you fucking kidding me? It took a bunch highly trained highly financed and equipped nerdy perdy dudes and dudess to reach that conclusion, Jeeesus only in the U.S, love the country though. But really, I´m not a pet psychologist but I do have two mean nasty farting machines dogs and I can tell when if I yell at one of them because they just peed on the balcony that their ears will go down so as the tail and specially the girl dog I have, like most other females that are humans( ladies! yeah woaw!) does keep more resentment towards me during a longer period of time than the male. The male couldn´t give a shit the bastard, he´ll be doing it again in a couple of hours so that one is a lost case. My mother goes away for holidays, the dogs are used to certain hours when she takes them outside, since they themselves won´t go outside by themselves and they are suppose to be attack dog, what the fuck are these two going to attack I ask myself, anyways at certain hours usually at 7 p.m they start walking up and down the house and looking at you sideways as in saying “come on dude!” so up you go, stop my writing or reading or maybe masturbating depending on the day and I walk them outside to see them, well just take more pisses more  shits, run a couple of meters, getting fruits that have fallen down from a tree and bringing it to me. Point being, feeling depressed buy a dog and your depression will turn to anger. No more feeling down just thoughts of murder.

Feeling agressive…..No problem, go out and buy yourself a male whore or a female whore. It has been proven that sex is the best antidote for agressive people. It has something to do with the neurons and receptors, I won´t go to deep into it since it´s kind of boring the technical thing.

Feeling that you are in a deep hole and you can´t get out of it…….that your world is falling on top of you kind of thing. No worries, take my example, I´ve been to two nasty pasty screwed up nasty rusty countries, been shot at, lost 3 guys, decided to become a cool drunk, and a cool homeless person, nightmares, bad memories, and at age 30 almost died of pancreatitis, and look! here I am. Alive doing the funky chicken dance at 8:30 in the morning, so always remember that out there  there is some one always a little more fucked up than you. And that they do climb the hole out, quite amazing what humans can do if they put their mind to it.

Last, and most important, take what I said very seriously, or not, then go to the mirror and have a nice laugh at yourself. Giggle like a little girl, don´t take what people say to heart nor what they do or not do. And all this advice free of charge.

Stay frosty gents and gentesses.