alcoholic

alcoholic

I´m going to A.A
Alcoholic Anonymous
That should be a plus and a minus
Whatever you think
It does stink…..
for me I mean to stay clean
hard as hell and I have been pretty much near that part
although for my sake and the ones around me the word is….
SOBRIETY which comes with alot of anxiety
have to re learn how to live life without that bottle in my life
so minute after minute, hour after hour, and then the day finishes
without me being diminishes .

And one more day of sobriety
doing a good for me and family and…
even for the freaking society, they got to love me or is just me?

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses

The power of forgiveness (pic´s)

Right, I know I´m probably not the most adequate person to talk about forgiveness, I still have resentments towards Marrocans, maybe has to do something with my army days and that they shot at me and that they killed 3 of my guys. Actually this is me after a fist fight with one fuck head Marrocan Foto 274 I still will go after them no matter if they are one, two, or one hundred if like this other guy said something to my face like the last time. They just annoy me with their way of talking that guttural sound, their customs that they treat women like shit or like whores and in my country this idiots come to sell dope. You find them everywhere selling dope in all the small towns around where I live and where I live. Actually I don´t remember they never been in my town not selling dope since I was a young kid. And worst of all, they will be selling dope in the park during the day and you will find the same assholes in the social security services that are meant for the Spanish people who have no resources and there are plenty of us like that right now, well a bunch of these Marrocans getting the same benefits and even better when they don´t have and don´t want the Spanish nationality.

Now this is me after about a month, since I had 10 stitches put on my lower right part of the lip and I still have some hemorrage in the right eye,but I´m good now look at this beauty!Foto 281my lower right lip still has some stitches but in the inside and as I can see in the picture well it´s still kind of deformed and will probably stay that way, fuck it, at least I didn´t back down from this idiot who tried to scare me and at least he got a bloody nose and a black eye, I just got quite a bit worst part of the deal. Ha! had to put the Spanish flag behind me, I did fight for that flag so there it is,not really for the flag we fought for each other but that´s another story. So somethings I just can´t forgive or take out of my mind, they remind me when I was in those fucked up countries and they just piss me off. Maybe I am a racist and I don´t even know it, but I doubt it, the hardworking ones,which I only know two are good friends the rest I could shoot them dead no problem.

Now power of forgiveness!

It has come towards my crazy whore ex girlfriend. I´m not calling her those names for the sake of it, it´s just that first she is crazy since I have 3 scars left from her, you can´t see them now so that´s good. And second she is a whore, she will sleep around with guys to get a free cell phone or some shoes here or money in some cases so by definition she is a whore. Forgot, she also worked in a whore bar, she told me that her “boss” only wanted her to get the guys to buy drinks and only that….sure. She would never tell me anything when I was with her and ofcourse I would never ask. But I do share my part of responsibility, which is that I am an alcoholic, she had money and I didn´t, so she invited me to alcohol and I was plenty happy, never put a hand on her although she did call the police about 8 times I think on me. She is what you call just a mean mean person. But hey, I chose to put myself in that situation so what did I expect in return with this psycho? She actually pulled a knife two times on me, on those two times I did have to grab her and reduce her to the floor you could probably understand why, so there goes her crazy  and she said that if I ever left her she would only make my life miserable. Well it´s been quite a loooong time since I haven´t seen this nut job, around two years but I still get calls from her! A fucking stalker and psychopath. So that´s the reality.

I sometimes would think of her and I couldn´t even concentrate on my reading or writing just because of all the anger inside me, just pissed me off to no end, how could I put myself in those fucked up situations with this psycho and how in the world are people so fucked up like this bitch. Her whole day is making somebody else´s day miserable be it towards me or towards somebody else plus she was and is a master manipulator. I just hated this girl so much.

I don´t know why this past week I just actually started feeling sorry for this girl. I looked at myself, where I´m going in life….which is not very certain but certainly not the way I was going before that´s for sure. So my life is improving, except with some mile mishaps of some fight here or there, but overall I have my money, not broke anymore, I have my laptop, I´ll be getting my own apartment by the end of this year, a small one I grant you that but still it will be mine. I can put there my little library of books which I´m quite proud off, I won´t be a burden to my family, I can focus on writing and keep sending short stories so they can get rejected but hell, maybe once in a blue moon one of them gets through. The editors are staring greatness right in the eye and they just don´t see it, I feel sorry for them. Anyways so now everything seems to be going on track, and this hasn´t happened by luck, it´s been planned and worked on. And what will this girl be doing at her age at age undisclosed? Nothing with her life, jus t fucking every dick my guess is that with those other guys, which I know quite well, they don´t have any compunction in hitting and mistreating her if she starts yelling or forget about if she punches one of these dudes, they don´t care they´ll go to jail but first they´ll slice her up. And probably that´s why she won´t call the cops because she´s afraid of them.

So I just started to look at my life, my possibilities, my knowledge, and then at her and how she is at her core. A mean nasty person, and I really felt sorry for her, not kidding. I thought what a way to be and to live. Not going back with her even if they paid me a million dollars but I just felt sorry for her and decided to forgive all that she put me through. I sound like a wussy for crying out loud, and all because of the alcohol.

Guess what, I don´t have any anger towards her, absolutely none. And that is very liberating. You feel at peace without anger in yourself, and although is with this specific instance in my life it certainly feels great. Probably will have to work on the others, but they are too many and I´m too lazy.

Just a crazy though from a crazy life.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.

Temptation(poem)

It is Saturday fife fifteen p.m and I´m bored
I feel the need to score
an outlet
something
going nuts inside this house
need something
happening
opening
boring
fuck

I just wrote like a ladder but backwards
always going the other side
against the tide
my mental tide that is
so be it in his, miss.

It´s been twenty days
of nothing and a lot of things
twenty days of constant beatings
on my writings
but temptation to go out
and scout
and go into the bar
give me another scar
but I need a fucking outlet.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.

The prompt!!!

O.k,here I go found this other prompt also interesting since it was deep. So I´ll try myself to be deep. That´s going to be a challenge.

Here it is“Wish you could change your past? Learn to let go and create a life you love!!!” | Kruti Mehta which is a talented and full of of potential writer so…..hit it!

1) What I absolutely love in life? So just one pick? I´ll give it a shot. I love my family don´t know how in the world have they taken me back at age 30, but I´m quite certain that if I hadn´t entered the ICU and been diagnose with severe pancreatitis I would have never re established my relationship with them. And chances that I´d be dead by now are quite real.

2)What are my greatest accomplishments in life so far? Staying sober. That´s a fucking battle day in day out. No break, even worst than military discipline.

3)What would I stand for if I knew no one would judge me? That´s a hard one for me, I do suffer from a condition, a chronic one named “shameless”, so I really don´t give a fuck what people say about me in a negative way. I can´t figure this one out, holy shit. I don´t care what people think of me. I´ve been staring at the screen for a couple of minutes and nothing has popped up in my little head. Maybe peace in the world would be a nice answer, but not really I stand for that(it´s just impossible to ever be peace if your realistic about it you can hope all you want but then there is reality) since I´ve actually contributed to completely the opposite. That´s fucked up that I really can´t come up with an answer. I just stand for what I belief regardless of who judges me.

4)If my life had absolutely no limits and I could have it all and do whatever I wanted, what would I choose to have an what would I choose to do? I would choose to have a pretty lovable funny smart wife, two kids a girl and a boy and I might as well just add a house in the prairie. I´d definitely choose to write and earn a living with it.

5)What would I do if I had one billion dollars? Buy myself a woman with the same characteristics  I stated in number 4 including the two kids but instead of a house just a mansion in the prairie. Help returning veterans integrate themselves back into civilian life. Give some dough to my parents. Help Alcohol and drug addicts. Create a magic pill that will make you vomit if you drink alcohol or take drugs.

6) Who do you admire most in the world? Sounds cliché, but it is my parents without a doubt.

So here it is my prompt from other prompt….? Man, that didn´t sound deep at all. Maybe check out what the other person said since I´m quite certain he or she, you can never be sure who you are talking through this internet thing….just kidding. Anyways, she actually did write a more profound and deep blog.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.