alcoholism

Change and growth

I know these type of videos are corny, actually if you would tell me about seeing
these type of videos 5 years ago I would laugh at you, and if you would have told
me this at 19 the coooooooool, army boy time, I would laugh and then smack you.
Now at my age 34, actually the number doesn’t matter.

I have always beeen a big drinker, even at age 13 when I started to drink.
After army days it really got out of control, I ended up homeless and a criminal,
unfortunately I have a criminal record because of the booze.
That was quite something to say in public, fuck it.
But what they say in this video, specially the first one minute and a half
it is what is happening to me as of a couple of weeks. And is hard, since I do
live in a small town where the old so called friends live and other towns I move around
I see other so called friends, you can imagine what they do for a living…. and is hard
to not fall out of line and go out with them on a party trip, hard hard as an addict since
I AM an addict, it is hard. And tomorrow again to the detox center, and this has been for
a week or so, And life is really starting to look much brighter.
So this was a real cool video that as I was hearing it I was thinking to myself
this is exactly what is happening to me now.
Gotta take out the laoundry now, since we are 4 in this house so you got to
get there in fast, read ya latter!

sweating like a bitch

Nothing against bitches
I love their riches….
did I say that out loud?
Well to hell with it I´m proud
No alcohol today
Hope that is the way is going to stay
But man, hands trembling so much I can barely hit the computer buttons
My face….. white as casper
Definatelly not the master
Hope it stays this way
I pray to God that the sweating, tremblings, and my casper face
will turn to face the other way, a much more sunny day.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.

empty words

I will never do it again
Lets see it begin
I did not driiink, phew phew…
Again trying to preach from an isolated pew?
It is the last time
You´re not worth a dime
I didn´t punch that window out of the bar
So why do you have another court date with that scar?
I didn´t punch that guy
So this court date is for the judge to give you a bonsai?
I won´t…..
Get outta here.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.

Feeling alive

I can start to feel
All those emotions heal
Hoping they keep on
So I better be strong
Alcohol has been my demise
Now I´m starting to feel more wise
It feels good to be,
sober, looking at three bottles of beer
which i have decided to not go to that weird
and that is hard, always be on guard.
It feels good to be,
in a nice place
not a perfect one
but one i can protect me, the son
from falling into that bottle,
I hope to God I don´t screw this battle.
It feels good to be feeling alive
so i can go back again and strive
and be again the guy that some
would go with to hell and back to take a dive.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.

The power of forgiveness (pic´s)

Right, I know I´m probably not the most adequate person to talk about forgiveness, I still have resentments towards Marrocans, maybe has to do something with my army days and that they shot at me and that they killed 3 of my guys. Actually this is me after a fist fight with one fuck head Marrocan Foto 274 I still will go after them no matter if they are one, two, or one hundred if like this other guy said something to my face like the last time. They just annoy me with their way of talking that guttural sound, their customs that they treat women like shit or like whores and in my country this idiots come to sell dope. You find them everywhere selling dope in all the small towns around where I live and where I live. Actually I don´t remember they never been in my town not selling dope since I was a young kid. And worst of all, they will be selling dope in the park during the day and you will find the same assholes in the social security services that are meant for the Spanish people who have no resources and there are plenty of us like that right now, well a bunch of these Marrocans getting the same benefits and even better when they don´t have and don´t want the Spanish nationality.

Now this is me after about a month, since I had 10 stitches put on my lower right part of the lip and I still have some hemorrage in the right eye,but I´m good now look at this beauty!Foto 281my lower right lip still has some stitches but in the inside and as I can see in the picture well it´s still kind of deformed and will probably stay that way, fuck it, at least I didn´t back down from this idiot who tried to scare me and at least he got a bloody nose and a black eye, I just got quite a bit worst part of the deal. Ha! had to put the Spanish flag behind me, I did fight for that flag so there it is,not really for the flag we fought for each other but that´s another story. So somethings I just can´t forgive or take out of my mind, they remind me when I was in those fucked up countries and they just piss me off. Maybe I am a racist and I don´t even know it, but I doubt it, the hardworking ones,which I only know two are good friends the rest I could shoot them dead no problem.

Now power of forgiveness!

It has come towards my crazy whore ex girlfriend. I´m not calling her those names for the sake of it, it´s just that first she is crazy since I have 3 scars left from her, you can´t see them now so that´s good. And second she is a whore, she will sleep around with guys to get a free cell phone or some shoes here or money in some cases so by definition she is a whore. Forgot, she also worked in a whore bar, she told me that her “boss” only wanted her to get the guys to buy drinks and only that….sure. She would never tell me anything when I was with her and ofcourse I would never ask. But I do share my part of responsibility, which is that I am an alcoholic, she had money and I didn´t, so she invited me to alcohol and I was plenty happy, never put a hand on her although she did call the police about 8 times I think on me. She is what you call just a mean mean person. But hey, I chose to put myself in that situation so what did I expect in return with this psycho? She actually pulled a knife two times on me, on those two times I did have to grab her and reduce her to the floor you could probably understand why, so there goes her crazy  and she said that if I ever left her she would only make my life miserable. Well it´s been quite a loooong time since I haven´t seen this nut job, around two years but I still get calls from her! A fucking stalker and psychopath. So that´s the reality.

I sometimes would think of her and I couldn´t even concentrate on my reading or writing just because of all the anger inside me, just pissed me off to no end, how could I put myself in those fucked up situations with this psycho and how in the world are people so fucked up like this bitch. Her whole day is making somebody else´s day miserable be it towards me or towards somebody else plus she was and is a master manipulator. I just hated this girl so much.

I don´t know why this past week I just actually started feeling sorry for this girl. I looked at myself, where I´m going in life….which is not very certain but certainly not the way I was going before that´s for sure. So my life is improving, except with some mile mishaps of some fight here or there, but overall I have my money, not broke anymore, I have my laptop, I´ll be getting my own apartment by the end of this year, a small one I grant you that but still it will be mine. I can put there my little library of books which I´m quite proud off, I won´t be a burden to my family, I can focus on writing and keep sending short stories so they can get rejected but hell, maybe once in a blue moon one of them gets through. The editors are staring greatness right in the eye and they just don´t see it, I feel sorry for them. Anyways so now everything seems to be going on track, and this hasn´t happened by luck, it´s been planned and worked on. And what will this girl be doing at her age at age undisclosed? Nothing with her life, jus t fucking every dick my guess is that with those other guys, which I know quite well, they don´t have any compunction in hitting and mistreating her if she starts yelling or forget about if she punches one of these dudes, they don´t care they´ll go to jail but first they´ll slice her up. And probably that´s why she won´t call the cops because she´s afraid of them.

So I just started to look at my life, my possibilities, my knowledge, and then at her and how she is at her core. A mean nasty person, and I really felt sorry for her, not kidding. I thought what a way to be and to live. Not going back with her even if they paid me a million dollars but I just felt sorry for her and decided to forgive all that she put me through. I sound like a wussy for crying out loud, and all because of the alcohol.

Guess what, I don´t have any anger towards her, absolutely none. And that is very liberating. You feel at peace without anger in yourself, and although is with this specific instance in my life it certainly feels great. Probably will have to work on the others, but they are too many and I´m too lazy.

Just a crazy though from a crazy life.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.

Temptation(poem)

It is Saturday fife fifteen p.m and I´m bored
I feel the need to score
an outlet
something
going nuts inside this house
need something
happening
opening
boring
fuck

I just wrote like a ladder but backwards
always going the other side
against the tide
my mental tide that is
so be it in his, miss.

It´s been twenty days
of nothing and a lot of things
twenty days of constant beatings
on my writings
but temptation to go out
and scout
and go into the bar
give me another scar
but I need a fucking outlet.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.