battle

Inspiring people


Prompt by https://being1nsane.wordpress.com/2016/01/01/quickly-steal-the-spotlight-in-the-ttt-challenge-this-jan/

So the prompt basically is “forcing” me to talk about myself and inspire people
that feel that their basically in a dark hole that they can´t get out of.
Go figure and me taking up this challenge.

I don´t even know where to start, since throughout my twenties you could say it was wild,
to put it mildly. I´ll jump the army and war stuff to get to lets say the second face of my life,
and maybe the last one.

After I got out of the army I retreated from everybody I knew, became a drunk,
lived on the streets,petty crimes,I didn´t know how I was still alive and at that moment
I could care less about dying. So pretty much I ran around with the best that each
household has to offer, I took every drug legal and illegal there is, sold them also,
quite a mess really. But I did manage to hold on to jobs, shitty jobs
but still was some income which I blew in one day.It was a day to day living,
never mind about tomorrow. Almost like having a death wish really. For me life was nothing.
Didn´t appreciate a sunset or sunrise,family? couldn´t care less. Just an a-hole and very angry one.
Arrested or detained for fighting… how many times I forgot. I didn´t care,
for me my life was worthless and I was worthless. Didn´t have anything to offer to society
let alone the people that cared for me.

At age 30, another near miss and I end up in the hospital yet again in a state of shock
which is before you go into a comma. Severe pancreatitis the diagnosis. Reunited with my
family again. Although I didn´t really know if I wold make it out alive.
I asked point black at a nurse if I would make it out and she did tell me I had a 50-50 chance.
So as quickly as I coul dwhen I got back to my room,(I was downstairs for some scan of
my body when I asked the nurse) I wrote my will, again, since when deployed you do have to sign
a will in case you don´t make it back, obviously. I wrote to the people that I loved, and I still
have those letters somewhere stuck in a box.

Then the realization, I found my why. My why to fight for and not keep being a screw up.
Family was the answer for me. For the first time in years I finally saw the effects of
my actions on others. I will add that at that same time faith did play a major role in my life
and still does, although you might not believe it reading my crazy stories and what I comment to people.
So those two factors is what made me focus and fight for living a better life. And as I did so,
in came my writing. I started writing about my experiences in the hospital, like a journal
except with my crazy head I made reality a bit more exciting in the hospital.
And I actually was laughing at the nutty things that I wrote while I wrote them, that´s kind of weird.
But it was a therapy for me. So no “so sorry for myself” and all that stuff,
no sentimentality or nothing. I just knew I had to change life drastically.
And slowly but surely writing provided me with a goal, something to stay focused on and
not divert from the middle lane. And faith.
So once you have that goal set in your mind, you know your why, why am I doing this?
For the people that care for me and also very important for me, to show those other people
who thought I would be dead by this age, including myself, that it wasn´t going to happen.
Plus a lot of those people would be delighted in seeing me in the morgue. So I fooled them.

I found my why?The thing that drives me, family, faith, and writing. And once you
have that singular focus, everything else becomes secondary.You don´t even think about what
people think or say about you or what you can achieve or what you can´t. Fuck them.
I know my why and I got HIM, wich seems to want me around for a while more.
As to that why? Have no clue but as to my rational why? I have that clear in my mind,
and that will push you, will drive you,plus helps having a sense of humour and laughing at oneself.

Having said this, I still got to work on myself