Condition for death

I could care less about me,
so be.
Lost mother the 14th of the past month
and still haven´t cried
saw my father (superman) almost broke completly
maybe is because of my military experience
or born that way, until today,
I just haven´t cried about any tragedy in my life
maybe I should live with a wife
or I´m a psycho
A great mother I had
It is sad
But I can´t fucking cry and there is the big why?

Something is wrong with me

9:30 a.m, the phone rings. I ask myself who would it be,
I wake up from bed check phone ID and is my father.
My mother passed on the 14th of this month.
They been married for 50 plus years.
My mother was the one who raised me since dad was always traveling,
I don´t have recollections of him being in a soccer game or just overall
being around as a kid. Very few very few.
He asks me the same question as always “How are you?”
Me-“And how are you doing?”
Normaly that would the extent of the conversation really,
but I know he has something in his mind, so I change the subject
to his work. When mother was in the comma I basically got in his face
and told him “You have to focus on your work now 100%”, although I did use some curse words.
He acknoweldeged and since for me he has always been superman, it now weird
for him to reach out and talk to me. That was mom.
So he calls me at 9:30 p.m I think it was weird, I get him to talk about his work,
and he broke down. I still have trouble crying, only now if I write about it,
but it seems I´m extremely well at putting it in the back of my head a tragic situation
and leave it there in a box and concentrate on my day to day things.
So he broke down, and what was my response? ” I have to go to bed now and get some rest”
Today he seemed better when I called him this time, that´s our relationship and I still
can´t figure out why I can´t cry and I started reading a book, forgot about everything
and went to sleep.
Something is wrong with me when you take into consideration I was the one with her until her end,
she was the one that raised me and the greatest mom, I have even blocked out images of her
death, and other images of her laughing with me, cooking, whatever. I blocked it out.

Read you all later you alligator and innovator

You´re a tough motherfucker

Those where the words my father told me when mother passed away this
past Sunday the 14th. He is the real tough motherfucker, I think I´m tough
because apart from having been in the Spanish Legion and all the fights I get in
this shit town, no I´m not tough. This man, my father was born after the Spanish Civil war,
obviously poor, and he made his journey to greatness. That greatness would include being married
for 50 years to my mother. Although as my mother told me, but there is a descerpancy on the story
from what my mother told me to what the “official” version of my father, he basically was
driving in a shit car of the 60´s and just went off the little trail and ended up in the
bottom of a little pond with my mother, and then mother married that guy!!!!
Just little details of their life, now his life since he doesn´t have the support of mother,
(I did stay with her in the hospital 9 days until she died, at exactly 3. 44 a.m,
she probably died earlier since she was already cold, no rigamortis but cold, so it wouldn´t
be that long that she expired) but it seems this tragedy came out some remedy, we talk often,
which is weird talking to my father to tell the truth, I know he loves me but the conversations
where this
Me calling and him answering “You o.k?”
Him-“good, I pass you to your mother”
Thats about it, and you can´t expect a man like him to give you more. You do know he loves you,
that´s the bottom line.
Now…. I do believe my mother knowing she was going to die, did give hime instructions,
“this is who your kid is and this is how you are going to treat him. That is my law”
Maybe not the exact words but she probably said something to that effect I´m sure knowing these two.

How to deal with real threats

There are quite the variables but I can stick with two or three or just fucking read and hit like,
de-escate the situation when the guy gets nervous by just changing the subject that he feels comfortable in,
Two- let them see you for who you are, but you don´t wan´t to get yourself to that point,
and that point is his death point.
Three-Is not in me, but you can always run to … church, or the police, but is better to make aliances
between those groups with some, and they will literally fight between them for me having to pull a
knife out on one of them.
Just a curious thought, a real one, stil curious to put it mildly, but in my small town
very bad people, at the end of the day it all comes to word, RESPECT. They know that if you fuck with me
nothing good is going to happen, then others in that group will ask me and ask questions to see my response
and I will give it to them sincerely, at the same time I am establishing a relationship for good in that
moment since the moment can always change in a second, not these past months though after I basically
stabbed one of them when he tried to rob me, not even a stab was it was a quick slash on his forearm
when he went to hit me, plus two other guys next to him. I just thought that take the so called leader out
and normally as they did, will run. Today back to see the situation…. all good.

I just can´t live in fear

Crona Corona…. Madonna.
I live not in a pretty good town to put it mildly,
so simply,
for this guy wanting me to rob me, I just took out the knife
and hit him ral nice,
went to his elbow, I don´t want to kill anybody,after army experience,
but if I have to defend myself I will. I am not going to be the one dead,
better him than me for sure, that is unfortuanately what is pure.
And the police I called….. great help, so if they are not going to protect me
I have to do it myself, probably end up in jail, but these motherfuckers that their job
is to wake up in the morning and steal and sell drugs, not happening with me.
And you idiots when you read this, it is no joke. I got a bit tired of making me the dummy.
It is no joke, trust me you fuckhead, you already got stabbed by me, but in a good way
I could have gone for the upper body, just went lower to keep you in check, you come to my house…
nothing good is going to happen that is for sure, and my heart will be pure.
You probably won´t have a heart beat, but you can always in hell sing a beat while in a comma sleep.

The Mrs. Great lady

Yes, that is photo of you….. with my dog why does my dog loves you more than me… not fair.
Take care girl, no worries no drama, it´s tragic but we´ll be good.
You can find her in Tumbler, Facebook, Instagram my guess is also twitter.
Just a nice person and very interestinbg what she has to say.
Trust me Kruti, as a small familly we are good to go.

Take care beautiful and hugs to you and your familly.
Here we go with the comment that you sent me and a great eulogy, I can´t write things like that
so thank you for dropping by and expressing yourself in a very good manner. My mother always loved you
as you know, so thanks again for the comment, now in the crazy blog. I do really appreciate you
and again, as I told you before, it´s you and your familly the most important things.

Very well written and again thank you.

Life is so fragile – so sudden, so mysterious – people leave us when we cannot imagine . You were the bright light of happiness and positivity in my life – someone who taught me to fight bad situations, to stay positive and optimistic always – someone who loved me unconditionally. We spoke just a few weeks ago and I still cannot believe that it was the last time ever. I wanted to come see you and then this pandemic changed the world and I was not able to and now I can never. It saddens me so much – it’s a regret I will have to live with but I am going to remember you as the strong lady you were – always smiling in pain, always strong and positive about everything that lies ahead. You called me the daughter you never had and you were my mother – no one can change that. I had wished my son to know you , to play with you but not everything happens as per our wishes BUT I know you are watching him from above – he is your grandson and you are his guardian angel. I promise you that I will tell him about you and how much you loved seeing him grow. We are all going to miss you so much and it’s an irreparable loss. Not a day will pass when I won’t think about you. I still email pictures like I always did you thinking you will respond immediately and it will make you happy but now I won’t get the replies. I am just happy that you are at peace and no more in pain even though it means that we will have to live with the pain of not having you with us. I LOVE YOU BLANCA. I hope to see you again soon in a place of happy endings.

Rest in Peace Mom

R.I.P mother, in Memoriam.
3.44 a.m. June 15 2020.
You just expedite us bad people on earth,
but doing your own rehearse
we´ll get it done and gone
as you told us
like a faisty nun…. move forward!
Quite wierd seeing you, kiss you in the forhead and gotta move on,
dad was already awake when I called him and the rest is done,
you are gone,
but you were a crazy damn hell fire of a strategic missle to begun.
Rest in piece mom, and don´t give God too much of a hedeach.
Love you to death. Which seems it finally reached that point and me… yep you guessed it mom,
like the idiot just writing it in public, for the consumption, don´t worry mom
I´ll get some money out of this writing shit even from a nun.
Lets make our nice face more fun,
I promise I won´t fuck more things, I´ll keep focus
as you wanted. And your husband too, calm as always when I called him now, we´ll be good,
you have no idea the legacy you left us. You did raise me by your own, now I´m alone.
But no crying mom, I know you even got pissed off with me crying, me or father, not in us,
love you.

Stuck with a corpse

I have seen death before, and violent ones,
never struck me my mother would be part
of this tragic art.
I had my mind so prepared for this that I don´t cry.
I have been since Monday seeing her deteriorate and I´m not irrate,
it was exactly how I focused it in my mind for months, yet I don´t know why,
I do know why really, long story, but I´m the one in the family stuck seeing here
hour after hour hour after hour day plus day her deterioration to death,
Today I had to take a breath,
Got drunk.
If she is already uncoscious, she is going into a comma, I don´t even know if she is already in
the comma, doctors options told me and my father (we are only two left in the family)
that they could extend it for a week or so, but what kind of life is she having?
None, I see her in bed and detach myself, and consider this is the woman that raised me and
even at my age of 30 ´s I would everyday call her and tell her my crazy things for
her to laugh at me…. which I loved, I´m just the dummy. Yet at the same time when
the shit hits the fan, I´m the one stuck with her, and at this point I don´t know why,
she is unconscious, she looks like a corpse, and I lied before, I just cried while talking
to a hot nurse. She was too nice I think that was why the nurse made me cry, I don´t need
nice shit, I have to be detached if not I can´t function.
And I´m sleeping next to my mother knowing that I have no clue when she is going to stop breathing.
She put up with me for too many years(not always) but most of them, although if you think
about it, is kind of freaky seeing a corpse but for now breathes, and I don´t know if she
will stop breathing in half an hour, hour, tomorrow, nobody fucking knows. And me just standing
by to give the O.K for the people to take her to rest out of this fucking hospital. Fuck.

The nurse told me that having this song would in her subconscious would register… not sure about that
she liked the series and the music so I put it up in the computer to see if there is a reaction from her
no, no reaction, my guess is the hot nurse told me so to make me feel better, that is probably she
made me cry like a bitch, don´t need nice now. I do have to be detached. Fucking weird, yet it is life right?
Mother lived a great life, I´m the black sheep, yet I´m the one day after day, minute after minute in
a freaking hospital room trying to figure out if she is breathing constantly or not so constantly and the rest…
Just life. I would give right now everything for me to be dead rather than her. I know me, that is truth.
Just got to move forward, no other choice. This is the song she likes, I did introduce it to her though,
she likes the gangster things of that period plus the music. Just playing it over and over.

(I do realize in this situation the clip is kind of weird, yet is me and my family, fuck I need a cigarette)

Stage IV cancer

Three and a half years since mother was diagnosed
It was a hard punch in the nose
Back in the hospital again
Only difference she won´t walk out this time
I sit next to her all day and watch her decline
Talk to father he has to move his own things making life keep going for him-
My mothers wishes for him within
And I´m watching a corpse pretty much
My head has wrapped around the idea such
She rarely has her lucid moments
Today it briefly happened they were my omens
Not easy to watch your mother becomming a cadavre slowy
Yet surely
But I´m unable to cry

Got internet now in the hospital so read ya´ll later you innovator.