death

A new down


The sun is going down
I frown
No money at all
What will happen next month at the mall
Now my father after loosing my mother has his problems
Good to hear his voice, we are not sensitive type of personalities
but in our way we love each other, or at least he tries to be the best under the circumstances
after loosing his wife off 50 years, I do check on him every day to see
literally a falling dismay,
try to not bother him that much, he is not that type of such,
I hope he gets out of his pain, I know it is hard, I just knew my mother that
raised me for 37 years, I block it out and this was too much information
yet, who gives a shit. (Was this a poem?)

Loosing a mother


Maybe this is therapy for me, I remember sleeping in the bed next to her
in her house that is, checking on her for a month when she really was very weak.
I knew all her pills she had to take, once I saw morphine I knew it was a mater
of time for her to go. I remember at 4 a.m, about that time when she woke up
had to go to the bathroom (I took care of all of that, cleaning her later and the rest)
I was actually reading in the bed in her bedroom next to her, so I jump out, grab
her and I couldn´t hold a dead weight, I remember putting a sheet under her and a pillow
under her neck. Just instinct. Then call my father in the other room, while talking to
the emergency guys. I literally told them after all the questions they where asking me
“I don´t give a fuck I need an ambulance two minutes ago”. In a calm voice even if the choice
of words were not perfect, but calm. My father saw that, heard it obviously and he was
the one who sent me to the hospitay with her for 4 more days until she died at 3.44,56 seconds a.m.
I registered it, don´t know why. I stll haven´t cried, I touch her and she was already cold so
my guess is she died a couple of hours earlier, I just couldn´t stay awake for so many days.
I nod off then back again, check on her, the medics told me they where inducing her into a comma
so we knew. She died on the 14th of June. That picture above I want myself to remind me of her
since it seems I completely blocked her out, again, not cried, I just block it off and
being the strong woman she was probably is what she wanted, to move on.

Condition for death

I could care less about me,
so be.
Lost mother the 14th of the past month
and still haven´t cried
saw my father (superman) almost broke completly
maybe is because of my military experience
or born that way, until today,
I just haven´t cried about any tragedy in my life
maybe I should live with a wife
or I´m a psycho
A great mother I had
It is sad
But I can´t fucking cry and there is the big why?

Something is wrong with me

9:30 a.m, the phone rings. I ask myself who would it be,
I wake up from bed check phone ID and is my father.
My mother passed on the 14th of this month.
They been married for 50 plus years.
My mother was the one who raised me since dad was always traveling,
I don´t have recollections of him being in a soccer game or just overall
being around as a kid. Very few very few.
He asks me the same question as always “How are you?”
Me-“And how are you doing?”
Him-“Good.”
Normaly that would the extent of the conversation really,
but I know he has something in his mind, so I change the subject
to his work. When mother was in the comma I basically got in his face
and told him “You have to focus on your work now 100%”, although I did use some curse words.
He acknoweldeged and since for me he has always been superman, it now weird
for him to reach out and talk to me. That was mom.
So he calls me at 9:30 p.m I think it was weird, I get him to talk about his work,
and he broke down. I still have trouble crying, only now if I write about it,
but it seems I´m extremely well at putting it in the back of my head a tragic situation
and leave it there in a box and concentrate on my day to day things.
So he broke down, and what was my response? ” I have to go to bed now and get some rest”
Today he seemed better when I called him this time, that´s our relationship and I still
can´t figure out why I can´t cry and I started reading a book, forgot about everything
and went to sleep.
Something is wrong with me when you take into consideration I was the one with her until her end,
she was the one that raised me and the greatest mom, I have even blocked out images of her
death, and other images of her laughing with me, cooking, whatever. I blocked it out.

Read you all later you alligator and innovator

You´re a tough motherfucker

Those where the words my father told me when mother passed away this
past Sunday the 14th. He is the real tough motherfucker, I think I´m tough
because apart from having been in the Spanish Legion and all the fights I get in
this shit town, no I´m not tough. This man, my father was born after the Spanish Civil war,
obviously poor, and he made his journey to greatness. That greatness would include being married
for 50 years to my mother. Although as my mother told me, but there is a descerpancy on the story
from what my mother told me to what the “official” version of my father, he basically was
driving in a shit car of the 60´s and just went off the little trail and ended up in the
bottom of a little pond with my mother, and then mother married that guy!!!!
Just little details of their life, now his life since he doesn´t have the support of mother,
(I did stay with her in the hospital 9 days until she died, at exactly 3. 44 a.m,
she probably died earlier since she was already cold, no rigamortis but cold, so it wouldn´t
be that long that she expired) but it seems this tragedy came out some remedy, we talk often,
which is weird talking to my father to tell the truth, I know he loves me but the conversations
where this
Me calling and him answering “You o.k?”
Me-“yes”
Him-“good, I pass you to your mother”
Thats about it, and you can´t expect a man like him to give you more. You do know he loves you,
that´s the bottom line.
Now…. I do believe my mother knowing she was going to die, did give hime instructions,
“this is who your kid is and this is how you are going to treat him. That is my law”
Maybe not the exact words but she probably said something to that effect I´m sure knowing these two.

How to deal with real threats

There are quite the variables but I can stick with two or three or just fucking read and hit like,
de-escate the situation when the guy gets nervous by just changing the subject that he feels comfortable in,
Two- let them see you for who you are, but you don´t wan´t to get yourself to that point,
and that point is his death point.
Three-Is not in me, but you can always run to … church, or the police, but is better to make aliances
between those groups with some, and they will literally fight between them for me having to pull a
knife out on one of them.
Just a curious thought, a real one, stil curious to put it mildly, but in my small town
very bad people, at the end of the day it all comes to word, RESPECT. They know that if you fuck with me
nothing good is going to happen, then others in that group will ask me and ask questions to see my response
and I will give it to them sincerely, at the same time I am establishing a relationship for good in that
moment since the moment can always change in a second, not these past months though after I basically
stabbed one of them when he tried to rob me, not even a stab was it was a quick slash on his forearm
when he went to hit me, plus two other guys next to him. I just thought that take the so called leader out
and normally as they did, will run. Today back to see the situation…. all good.

I just can´t live in fear

Crona Corona…. Madonna.
I live not in a pretty good town to put it mildly,
so simply,
for this guy wanting me to rob me, I just took out the knife
and hit him ral nice,
went to his elbow, I don´t want to kill anybody,after army experience,
but if I have to defend myself I will. I am not going to be the one dead,
better him than me for sure, that is unfortuanately what is pure.
And the police I called….. great help, so if they are not going to protect me
I have to do it myself, probably end up in jail, but these motherfuckers that their job
is to wake up in the morning and steal and sell drugs, not happening with me.
And you idiots when you read this, it is no joke. I got a bit tired of making me the dummy.
It is no joke, trust me you fuckhead, you already got stabbed by me, but in a good way
I could have gone for the upper body, just went lower to keep you in check, you come to my house…
nothing good is going to happen that is for sure, and my heart will be pure.
You probably won´t have a heart beat, but you can always in hell sing a beat while in a comma sleep.

The Mrs. Great lady

Yes, that is photo of you….. with my dog why does my dog loves you more than me… not fair.
Take care girl, no worries no drama, it´s tragic but we´ll be good.
You can find her in Tumbler, Facebook, Instagram my guess is also twitter.
Just a nice person and very interestinbg what she has to say.
Trust me Kruti, as a small familly we are good to go.

Take care beautiful and hugs to you and your familly.
Here we go with the comment that you sent me and a great eulogy, I can´t write things like that
so thank you for dropping by and expressing yourself in a very good manner. My mother always loved you
as you know, so thanks again for the comment, now in the crazy blog. I do really appreciate you
and again, as I told you before, it´s you and your familly the most important things.

Very well written and again thank you.

Life is so fragile – so sudden, so mysterious – people leave us when we cannot imagine . You were the bright light of happiness and positivity in my life – someone who taught me to fight bad situations, to stay positive and optimistic always – someone who loved me unconditionally. We spoke just a few weeks ago and I still cannot believe that it was the last time ever. I wanted to come see you and then this pandemic changed the world and I was not able to and now I can never. It saddens me so much – it’s a regret I will have to live with but I am going to remember you as the strong lady you were – always smiling in pain, always strong and positive about everything that lies ahead. You called me the daughter you never had and you were my mother – no one can change that. I had wished my son to know you , to play with you but not everything happens as per our wishes BUT I know you are watching him from above – he is your grandson and you are his guardian angel. I promise you that I will tell him about you and how much you loved seeing him grow. We are all going to miss you so much and it’s an irreparable loss. Not a day will pass when I won’t think about you. I still email pictures like I always did you thinking you will respond immediately and it will make you happy but now I won’t get the replies. I am just happy that you are at peace and no more in pain even though it means that we will have to live with the pain of not having you with us. I LOVE YOU BLANCA. I hope to see you again soon in a place of happy endings.

Rest in Peace Mom


R.I.P mother, in Memoriam.
3.44 a.m. June 15 2020.
You just expedite us bad people on earth,
but doing your own rehearse
we´ll get it done and gone
as you told us
like a faisty nun…. move forward!
Quite wierd seeing you, kiss you in the forhead and gotta move on,
dad was already awake when I called him and the rest is done,
you are gone,
but you were a crazy damn hell fire of a strategic missle to begun.
Rest in piece mom, and don´t give God too much of a hedeach.
Love you to death. Which seems it finally reached that point and me… yep you guessed it mom,
like the idiot just writing it in public, for the consumption, don´t worry mom
I´ll get some money out of this writing shit even from a nun.
Lets make our nice face more fun,
I promise I won´t fuck more things, I´ll keep focus
as you wanted. And your husband too, calm as always when I called him now, we´ll be good,
you have no idea the legacy you left us. You did raise me by your own, now I´m alone.
But no crying mom, I know you even got pissed off with me crying, me or father, not in us,
love you.