I just woke up to a buzzing sound, it was almost as a fly was buzzing inside my head. I looked around more disoriented than my grandmother being stuck in a disco. Finally I saw it, it was the alarm clock sitting on the wooden little square table right next to my bed. I´v been activated. The mission has just started.
I quickly shower, shave, come my dark hair take a quick glance at the mirror and it almost cracks from the beauty emanating from it. I put on my best suit. A black suit white shirt and black tie black shoes, I almost look like the men in black. The only exception I´m not black like Will Smith, apart from that little hiccup I look the part. I ran like a gazelle and get into my car, it´s fifteen years old but it´s a jaguar, I should be able to do this. I´m able to do it.
I finally arrive, I see the crowd walking in. This is my time, the Shepard has come to dominate and infiltrate. I go through the back entrance, I take a quick glance to my right then to my left, sweat is starting to accumulate in my head but I quickly wipe it out with my right sleeve which leaves a white stain and this was not part of the plan. I should look immaculate but I have my plan B. I curse under my breath, I tell myself to stay calm. It´s my mission. I gently open the door and peak in, I thank the Lord he´s there. I make my way into the podium as all the people are sitting down looking back and he is still as a mannequin.
“Hey.” He whispers from within the casket.
Come on, this can´t be happening, I turned around try to be calm and tell him “Shut the fuck up, and lay still, dead don´t talk, remember?”.
“Screw you, you better give me the money.” He responds but I ignore his words.
I have to keep my head level headed, this is the time. All my family and friends have come. It took two weeks of preparation and I´m not about to butch up the well rehearsed plan right now. I scan the audience, they are now all sited in the church, I made a little contribution two weeks ago by giving the father two thousand dollars to just let me have this Sunday the whole church for me and for the rest of the audience and go pray with his flock somewhere else. First he said no, then I pulled the one hundred dollar bills out off my pocket, he started crying, thanked me and told me that God be with me. I thank him and surely hoped God will be on my side when the day came. I keep scanning the audience and finally see it. It´s time.
“Thank you all for coming, the priest unfortunately couldn´t come. He suffered a heart attack this morning and died. God is with him, he couldn´t be in a better place.” I see the people gasp and other just look at each other with a contorted face, they can´t comprehend, they can´t believe their ears. But that´s why I took communication classes in Eureka University. So I press on.
“This is a very difficult time for me, thank you all for coming from all around to this small town, I know you´re bussy with your life´s so I truly appreciate you taking the time to mourn with me.” I let my voice quiver and let out a little single tear come out of my right eye, fuck that thing I put on before on my eye for crying hurts. I scan and she´s crying too. It´s working.
“John was a good man.” I say as I place my hand over the coffin.” Most of you don´t know him” Nobody knows who John is or if the person sitting right next to him knows who he is or not. Nor do I for that matter.But as I expected everyone acts like they knew him, they all nod in unison.
I tell them to pray with me and after the prayer they all walk up to the podium to say one last good by to John. And the tenth person coming is my dear Christina, she´s weeping. She left me about a year ago, said I was not the marrying material and that she wanted to have a family I don´t remember what I responded since I just got back from watching a football game and was pretty much shit face. The next day I woke up and she was gone, but now she´s back. My time to terminate my plan. She hugs me, and says she has missed me and that she´s very sorry for my friend John. I nod and say I´m a strong person, that my life has made a three hundred and sixty degree turn. I´m still me, but a better me I tell her. She smiles and gives me her card with her phone and tells me to call her later on in the day. She kisses me on the lips, good sign. She walks up to the casket.
“What the hell?”
“Mickey, O my God Mickey, what happened!” She´s crying and looking at me. I´m a bit confused.
Out of nowhere the freaking manikin the dude I met yesterday and gave him five hundred dollars in advance to play dead and told him I would give him the other five hundred after the deal was sealed, the bastard jumps out of the coffin, I see old woman starting to faint all around me, an old man is grabbing his chest as if he´s going to have a heart attack.
“Christina!” I love you. This so called Mickey guy says. Christina faints.
Now I´m freaking confused,this is not going as I mapped it out in my head. Not going at all.
My face is turning red now. But I tell myself to keep calm, ” Alleluia!” I yell from the top of my lungs. “I prayed and I saved! It has come true, the miracle has come true.” I walk up to this idiot Mickey, hug him and whisper in his ear that I´ll give him ten grand if he just walks away. He suddenly turns around and starts running though the middle of the aisle of the church screaming “Thank you Charlie, Thank youuuu!!”
People start hugging me, some just lay on the floor unconscious. They tell me I have been sent here by God. Christina wakes up and old people tell her what happened and who I truly was, or better what I had become. She hugs me and tells me she want´s to marry me. I ask her how she knew about the supposedly dead guy, which has almost bankrupt me the bastard. She said she had a fling for him but it was a long time ago. I ask her if it was during while we where together. She just looks down. I know now. What a bitch I think, all this effort and money spent and she was screwing this idiot? I walk out of the Church, lit a cigarette and tell them to screw them all. I have better things to do. So I walk to Jimmy´s bar and order my usual beer.