Loosing a mother

Maybe this is therapy for me, I remember sleeping in the bed next to her
in her house that is, checking on her for a month when she really was very weak.
I knew all her pills she had to take, once I saw morphine I knew it was a mater
of time for her to go. I remember at 4 a.m, about that time when she woke up
had to go to the bathroom (I took care of all of that, cleaning her later and the rest)
I was actually reading in the bed in her bedroom next to her, so I jump out, grab
her and I couldn´t hold a dead weight, I remember putting a sheet under her and a pillow
under her neck. Just instinct. Then call my father in the other room, while talking to
the emergency guys. I literally told them after all the questions they where asking me
“I don´t give a fuck I need an ambulance two minutes ago”. In a calm voice even if the choice
of words were not perfect, but calm. My father saw that, heard it obviously and he was
the one who sent me to the hospitay with her for 4 more days until she died at 3.44,56 seconds a.m.
I registered it, don´t know why. I stll haven´t cried, I touch her and she was already cold so
my guess is she died a couple of hours earlier, I just couldn´t stay awake for so many days.
I nod off then back again, check on her, the medics told me they where inducing her into a comma
so we knew. She died on the 14th of June. That picture above I want myself to remind me of her
since it seems I completely blocked her out, again, not cried, I just block it off and
being the strong woman she was probably is what she wanted, to move on.

I´ll stop with this shit

Just a kid…. I am a big kid, but you ever went to war? You ever…bla,
just mother again, and I should stop it before she stops speaking to me
I just met another mother, fucking bored with the inflicted Self impose Corona
By the way, you women are weird….. I can say and do the strangest things and you will,
will have sex with me, yo wierd duddesses.

Read you all later you freaks animator.

Individual woman, hate! to feminist

Yep, I´m a mammas boy but I probably have experience most hardships than you,
yes, I did say that. I call them these type….the vikings.
Come to your own conclusions, and you will comment on my or your own conclusions.
There are two, one and the other that this American judge basically gave her what she needed.
Apart from the first one, I can´t comment on the other one without insulting her.
Yes, I hate feminist.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.


Barbara Bush gave me an idea. Her passing is part of life.
As Mrs. Barbara said that¨ we are all going to die¨,
sooner or later, hopefully later. Wich brings me to my mother.
Hard working before she had this beautiful son, no bullshit,
no crying, work, love to a point that is. She did kick me out
of the house at 18 obviously I wasn´t behaving and life tought me.
You rely on you and only you, sense of humour,and more adjectives she
taught me that I forgot. You and you.
Sorry Mrs. Barbara Bush, saw the video of you when still alive and you
made me think of my own mother, she upstage you in my mind. Both great

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.

no crying

Here goes a quick story.

She does not cry for her (she has cancer), for other people yes,me,
specially me being the tough ex military MAN wich it is her son.
I just saw her today and she brought to me some great appetizers,
gave her a kiss at first as a MAN, suddenly I broke down,
so I just left, didn´t wan´t her to see me crying like a bitch.

The point being is that through writing I can express myself better than talking,
quite a problem really but is the truth.

There goes the story.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.

what do you want to be remember for?

The answer to that question is being a good son, good person.

Those who have read about my little crazy life maybe know a bit,
been in the Spanish Legion wich I´m sure now that it was something
that my mother hated or was afraid probably more than me when I was deployed,
after that part I became a drunk, homeless, ended in prison, numerous times
to the hospital wich if I didn´t die in the army I was also quite close
to die in the civilian world because of the drinking.

Now It is my time to take care of this person, my mother.
She has cancer and I felt strange when I saw her after the doctors
removed the cancer and now that she is at home I´m her rock,
my father of course is there, but he does have to work aaaaalot to
pay for the bills. Great man, what he has done to provide for the best doctors
and him also helping at home is quite a different father that I knew. So is quite strange for me, and I´m 35….
but to see my mother so weak and me taking care of her, well,
that is what we are going to do.

So in my life as a fuck up, when I die, that is what to be remembered for,
a caring son. No drinking no nothing, I go to her and apart from taking care
of her home wich if I don´t cut the grass or trim this little trees, well,
she loves her garden, and her house clean, so there I am,
when I go to do some chores she will say ¨Carlos, stay here with me¨,
I never heard that, and me, as I am, always with dummy stories wich she laughs,
but I have to ¨church them up¨(ya knoooow! just twist all the real bad things into something funny)
and that makes my heart a bit more full. She is a woman that she can´t stay still,
she always was in the garden or just moving somethings around the house, now she
has to rest in bed or in the sofa, and there I am with her from Monday to Friday,
now that I noticed it sounds like I´m writing like I´m this great person…… No,
but mom is mom, she´ll pull out of it.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.

P.S. Live day to day like it was your last day.

The eminem woman

Come on mother,
you are something that is another,
of thinking
you are never sinking
even with cancer
you are a real panzer
i did get something from you
easy, not be a little sissy,
and i know you looooove the M in M’s,
your “kid” will bring them to you
when you later feel good
lova ya, and try to forgive me for my screw ups.

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.

My mother

I did post 3 posts….damn.
Not everybody has my luck,
but here is the mother,
mother your “kid” can bother,
you got your limit, I know,
but as of right now, nothing more
for ya, love ya, I still don’t understand
why would you call the son 1 day a week
and ask me “are you o.k?” You know I will
always be grateful, and since I sound like
a selfish bitch, I hope that you know after
my other job that when things are not so good,
I’m there. And that you can believe.

Fuck me.