The evolution to get to be, a Kamikaze gardener!

Once upon a time a little child was born, he was destined to be the King of Salomon
a beautiful child, a majestic little babycalled
Charles the Great. As time passed he had his up´s and downs, but he was always a good person
even treating his dog, the only one that is left after the other one dying some months ago, treating
this beast, that farts, shit´s everywhere, pisses everywhere, and actually barks at Sir Charles,
so this beast is in bad condition now and leaving aside all the misery that causes the Great Charles,
he gives her his own food!!! You saw right, my damn hamburger chopped into
little pieces with my rice. Hope this monster lives until pigs fly, so loooong.

What does this has to do with being a good gardener you might ask yourself.
Well it´s easy, as a gardener you have to treat your garden with love and goodness in your heart,
and love comes from inside, as you can see I after this demonstration Charles the great was destined
to be the King of Solomon and create the best garden ever.

Starting with little thingschop chop here and there
trimming the sides. And taking it easy and with care and love.

Something happen to the great Charles and the majestic little human suddenly went a bit,
or maybe a whole lot off the rail. and he
changed his name to Charly.
Tired of being king, and he decided to go after the big time, not just trimming on the ground but, innovate.
So up he went , that´s what I´m talking about!
standing in a tin roof that is 20 years old build by the grandfather of Charly.
So those freaking big trees and the one that is right in front of me and you, well they let fall
onto the roof some nasty little things that overtime becomes big things so you have to
go to a place where nobody dares to go…..except
Charly!!!! He even went so far at to do this,
what can I say, it was just in the middle of me racking and it just pissed me off, but that comes from
genetics as you can see  by what Mama “Rambo” wears
for crying out loud mom! Between that freaking shirt and this quote that you love
you scare the bejesus out of me, you just crazy
which no wonder I turned out that way, jumping on a 20 year old tin roof really
because of you and your threats, but I prevailed and this is the result of the cleaning
 doesn´t look like much you think? I´ll kill you
if you think that since look what I endured and worst of
all the branches seemed they wanted to attack me, actually did
this is what a Kamikaze gardener does, no guts no glory,Aaaaaaaaaaa!

Stay Frosty gents and gentesses.

Mind games (prompt)

A prompt by the great….Join Me? | The Dark Night Chronicles . Which is to write a flash fiction story,but you can jump that and write a poem, or greeting card, or a song or whatever you want. I chose the flash fiction. The key word here is absence. You can use the word in your writing or not. Quite open the thing. But it was a good exercise for me. So thank you Felicity.

Charlie woke  up. He was still looking for it. He looked at his white round alarm clock on his bedside and thought how ugly it was. Actually he thought why all the alarm clocks he had during his life where always so ugly. At least that was what his ex girlfriend told him. And he had only bought two during his two years with her. Why was it that he lasted no longer than two years with  a woman, seemed for people a short period, but for him it seemed like an eternity but for the rest of humanity which he considered his circle of five close friends and five family members the humanity as a whole, well that humanity always told him that he had to settle at his age, it was a marvel to him that they would say that to a twenty five year old. Settle? He thought, settle is a relative word if you think about it. He was settle when he was with those ex´s and then he un settle. So really he was settling more than most people. Like a person  that would be with the same woman, their highschool sweet heart up until old age. That was  Charlie´s process of thinking.

He smoked his first cigarette of the day in his bed and decided to take his morning shower. He looked in the mirror at his dishevel black hair and black eyes and though to himself again where was it?

“Hello!!” A female voice shouted from the other side of his front door apartment.

“Who is it?” He said jumping out of the shower almost slipping on the floor. Fuck with the hellos I almost hit my head on the bathtub.

“It´s Caroline”

“Who?” His mind started racing to try to place the name.

“Caroline!” She shouted again. Does this person think that as much as she repeats her name I´m going to suddenly remember it?

“Just a minute Caroline.” He got into his jeans, put on his white t-shirt, grabbed on of the many pair of white shoes and combed his dark long hair backwards. Ready in a minute literally, king of clothing is what I am.

He opened the door and saw a petite asian woman of about his age. Her black tight top revealed perfect rounded chests and her tight jeans revealed a tight butt. Thank Good for the mirrors on the wall of my corridor.

“Hi Caroline, how´s it going?” He still couldn´t place this woman. He just hoped it wasn´t some random girl he had taken to his apartment in one of his Saturday night out´s, and had promised something in his drunken stupor that now in his sober stupor he could not deliver. He also was a bit concerned that this girl was not some crazy nut, which he had also encountered. Man o man let this one be normal or normal as someone can be, just don´t go bananas on me girl I´m tired as hell and i have no idea why. I´m looking for it,damn.

“Hi Charlie how are you feeling today?”

“Doing great and you?”

“Fine, fine, glad to see you again.”

“Yeah me too. Glad to see you I mean, I see myself in the mirror every day.”He smiled slickly. What a pathetic attempt to make me funny.

She smiled back, so Charlie thought this was not going all that bad but he still could not place this woman and why was she so nice.

“So you remembered then I was coming this Sunday right?”

“Of course, you kidding. Come on in please. Wan´t a beer or…”

“It´s 11. a.m Charlie.”

“I was just joking.” He smiled again showing his shinny white teeth which he was quite proud of.

“A coffee would be nice.” She said.

Charlie started moving to the kitchen and preparing coffee. When he returned to the living room he saw Caroline with a booklet  on top of the wooden table, a recording machine and already going through some of her notes. What in the world is this woman doing now.

“O.k Charlie, I have decided that the best course of action is that you start taking Xram and be hospitalised for at least two months.”

“Excuses me?” He mumbled in a state of shock. It came out more of a “sus m?”

“Yes Charlie, as your therapist I can see there has been no progress in two weeks and I really think it´s quite serious your condition.”

“My therapist? What in the world are you talking about. Did Danny sent you over here, is he behind this?!!” His voice now starting to rise.

“No, you yourself came into my office a couple of weeks ago and we have met since then two times a week, this is our fourth visit. I told you that if you forgot to come to my office I would come here. We where suppose to meet on Friday after you got out of work. And since you didn´t came it was obvious to me that the pills where not taking it´s normal effect on patients with mild amnesia like you, I believe it´s not a mild amnesia because of the hit you suffered to the head, it could have affected other parts of your brain and in my professional opinion I really think we should evaluate you in a controlled environment for some time.”

The two cups of coffee he had in his hands slid onto the floor along with his heart.

Two months later Charlie walked out of the hospital having found it, now he was no longer looking for it. He was no longer searching in his brain for that missing peace of the puzzle that he had lost. Everything was back to normal. His head clear as the blue sky. The Amnesia had completely disappeared after some painful electric shocks to his head but it had been worth it. Plus Caroline, had agreed to meet up with him in a social manner rather than as a therapist-patient relationship.

 

 

 

Funny blog Friday!

Happy Friday everyone! Today I´m greeting you from Funny Blog Friday (#FBF), the first ever blog hop party, yeeehaaaa! Are you excited or what….No? your loss. Anyways I´m suppose to give free give aways things like maybe a free ebook, or some cool exciting thing about the internet social media world but since I´m pretty much a cave man when it gets to that, have no ebook nor have no idea much about apps or what gifts are out there I´m going to send you a Spanish paella if you want. You pay  for the travel expense that is but the paella is free….makes sense. Now, what I can give you is a bunch of great funny people to read and as I see it I´ll give you the gift of knowledge which is much better than anything material, and my own little story that will hopefully make you cringe and the ending will make you cringe even more. So let´s get started then. The marching orders was to publish at 8 a.m Eastern time, that is U.S time which in my Eastern time is 2.p.m Spanish Eastern time, so had this holding on for about 6 hours and now I just hit publish so lets……….hit it!

 

Funny Bloggers already involved:

Victoria of http://angstanarchy.com/ she is the mastermind behind this.

Allana of White Girls Be Like… | “Cats, Twitter, Coors Light, & Everything In Between”

Jamie of Fits of Wit | Twenty-something. Sarcastic. Explicitly Blunt. I see the glass half full, usually containing extra bold coffee.

H.E Ellis of H.E. ELLIS | (insert pithy rejoinder here)

Alice  of aliceatwonderland | . . . down the rabbit hole

Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog | “We make bitter better.”

Jen of Properly Ridiculous | My Mostly Pleasant (Possibly Offensive) Perceptions

Lisa of Buddhaful Britt | C’mon Inner Peace… I Don’t Have All Damn Day

JC of JC’s Blog | Comedy. Satire. Other Things.

Sarah of Truth Shall Set You Free So Don’t Be A Crybaby | A dash of wit, A sprinkle of snark, A pinch of sarcasm, and some classy sass all baked in at 450 degrees!

Elke of The Pretty Platform

Jack of The Things I See Up Here

Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks

Kevin of Trailertrashdeluxe’s Blog | Life is Not a Patio Furniture Commercial

Karilin of Life, Etc. | Anything can happen

Pouring My Art Out | Ripping out my guts for your entertainment

ALLAH IS GREAT !!

“Mrs. Martinez ? where would you like these roses to go?” Mohammed asked the lady in charge of running the Martinez bull estate.

“Over there.” She said in her sweet voice pointing towards the apple tree.

Mohammed, a very religious Muslim person had been living in Spain for the past five years. He was initially from Morocco, was a hard worker working day and night to earn as much money as he could and then wire it to his home country since he had twelve people depending on him, three wife´s and nine children. He often thought that if his children didn´t end up in some profession that would pay good like being doctors he would probably waterboard them after all the work he was putting in for them.

Five years ago he came across Julia Martinez. Julia was the wife of a well known bull breeder of Andalucia, a southern region of Spain. After having spend a hot summer day knocking on doors offering his services as a gardener he eventually encountered Mrs. Martinez. He was struck both by her beauty and warm heart, while all the other people had dismissed him in quite a rude way Mr. Martinez had inmediately told him that if he worked hard he could start work the next day and that he could stay in the guest house. When he saw the guest house he thought he had just entered a temple. Mohammed turned out to be a hard worker ,very good at his profession and Mrs. Martinez rewarded him kindly with meals she herself prepared and paying him well above the average salary that the rest of the gardeners around the area where making.

“Mohammed, I´m going to need you this afternoon. I know it´s Friday and you like to take your walks into town but I really need your help today.”

“I will be delighted Mrs. Martinez.” He said with a smile.

Mohammed, as a good religious Muslim that he was, was now having very conflicting thoughts. He couldn´t stop fantasizing about Mrs. Martinez body, her dark long hair, her curves….he even found himself repositioning his muscle, subtly flying under her radar while she was talking with him since he didn´t want her to see a tent down there. The worst part is that he was also having impure thoughts with the daughter of Mrs. Martinez, her seventeen year old daughter that was like the mother. Long dark hair, dark skin, miracle curves, perfect rounded ass and breasts, and worst of all he was masturbating to those impure thoughts.

He had gone to the local mosque to seek help for his sins. There he had met Ayatollah Houdini, who preached his anger towards the Spanish government who had sent troops into Iraq in support of the American infidels. He reluctantly talked to the Ayatollah about his impure thoughts and that he has also eaten pig, and food during the Ramadan. The Ayatollah assured him that if he followed his advice he would be free of sins. If he did so he would soon find himself in paradise with seventeen virgins, he could already see those pure virgins with their legs closed just waiting for him to part them as Moses had parted the Red Sea.

Now he was sitting inside the mosque while Ayatollah Houdini preached, “In the name of the only and great God, may you strike the infidels, may you hit them where it hurts them. They have killed our women and children, you should fight for Allah!!” The Ayatollah started his Friday sermon with the exact same sentence.

Mohammed raised his hand, the others raised their eye brows not really knowing why a person would interrupt the great Houdini in the middle of his sermon “Excuse me great Ayatollah, when you say strike back at the infidels do you mean only american infidels living in Spain or spanish people too?”

This guy is a bit slow, the Ayatollah thought. “Our great God says punish those who serve the infidels, punish the Spanish because they voted for a government that then went on to support the American infidels in their infidelic crusade against our Muslim brothers. I say….God say´s, spanish are as much infidels as american infidels.”

Mohammed´s moment of confusion and hesitation finally disappeared and know his mind was at peace. This night he and two others from the mosque would go on to put 100 kilos of TNT plastic explosives around the town. On his way to Mrs. Martinez estate he came across Maria, the daughter.

“Hi Mohammed.” Maria said smiling with her thick lips.

“Hi Miss. Maria.” he replied in kind becoming red in the face. Shit not again, he thought. The blood pressure was starting to make a certain muscle in his body to be noticed a bit too much in his tight black trousers

Maria, a smart seventeen year old girl, was aware of Mohammed´s muscle problem when she talked with him. She had long since gotten to the conclusion that he was going to be the one. She would loose her virginity to him, and she knew that he would never say anything since if word got out her parents would literally destroy his life and the life of his family back in Morocco.

“I need you to come to the barn to help me out with some things.”

“Not a problem Miss. Maria.”

Mohammed followed her, five paces back looking at how beautiful her jeans fit her round tight ass. As he walked he repositioned his muscle so it wouldn´t be notice, so he thought. They finally got to the barn.

“What is it exactly you need me to help you with?” Mohammed asked in his most courteous voice.

Maria walked up to him, her face inches apart from his. Mohammed was paralized, all his muscles where tense. She pressed her petite body against his, she could feel his muscle enlarging by the second.

“uuu” Maria giggled, “It´s very big, I knew it.”
Mohammed prayed to Allah so HE would give him strength to say no, but at the moment the only strength he was gaining was between his legs. Maria went to work on him until they both reached their climax.

“You know what Mohammed?” She asked as she was passing her index finger through his lips and sucking on them.

Mohammed still in a state of shock, managed to utter “What?”

“You are my first one.”

Mohammed couldn´t believe her. He told her she was lying but she then went on to explain why she had chosen him. At first anger burned him but then the great revelation came to Mohammed, I just popped the cherry of a virgin! Mohammed starting to jump up and down chanting “Allah Ackbar!” ( Allah is great) and quickly dressed himself and went running to the mosque to see the Ayatollah Houdini. He explained to the Ayatollah that he no longer had to commit the attacks on the infidels since God had already chosen him for paradise, he was one virgin down, so almost halfway there and hence there was no use in getting his hands bloody.

In every girl´s life….(prompt)

 Yet again a great prompt from…… #FWF Free Write Friday: Quote Prompt | Kellie Elmorea

 

So here is the Prompt.

It was the summer of 1997 and little me was barely 15 and I was out of my element. I was in another country, the great United States and being a kid that had never left his little town in Spain this was the equivalent of setting foot in the moon. The awe of everything; trees, houses, cars, hell they don´t drive with stick in this country they´re all are automatic cars!, school which leads to strange new specimens that where named people and I believe they are still are named that way. So there I was in the middle of it, looking at everything, my eyes darting from side to side my mouth open a little bit. I tried to tell myself that I was confident and had nothing to worry about.

I was sitting by myself in the school cafeteria, the new guy, Spanish guy, the bullfighter. Everyone that talked to me only said “You´re from Spain? Torero bullfighting” O.k I said to myself. No direct insults yet, we´re not all that bad. And  while I´m eating alone staring out the window with all the noise of all the hundreds of kids around me I hear a sound next to me. As I look to my left I see this brunette girl,not all that bad looking just staring at me with a smile on her face.

“So you´re the new guy from Spain?”

That´s it? I was used to hi how are you my name is…… Nothing like that. So I nodded and replied that yes I was the bullfighter. She seemed to find it funny. She looked to her left where all her girlfriends where seated. I guess she was the designated one or she designated herself to be the one to give a hard time to the new guy.  A boarding school in the middle of nowhere. A landscape so foreign to me like it must have been for those astronauts walking the moon. Except that this landscape had strange humans. It was June, and I was going to spend the summer there before I move on to another school, yet another place and yet again be a new guy in some place. This boarding school seemed it was for all the screw up kids that didn´t do well during the school year but their daddy´s like mine had money to put them through intensive courses so they would be better prepared for the next year. But they had already been here other years so they knew each other.

She asked me a couple of questions more, and I notice all her girlfriends giggling in the background. Then she said if I wanted to go out to the woods after lunch. What? No I thought, she must be planning a prank for the stupid new guy. But I finally said yes.

After lunch we entered into the forest and there they where, black berries! Never in my  life had I seen so many bushes with blackberries. She started running around and picking them up and throwing them at me and eating them at the same time. I thought this girl was nuts, Spanish girls didn´t do that normally. She saw my face which was probably the face of a person who has just seen a ghost. She laughed and came to me.

“Here” She held her hand and gave me a blackberry. I was skeptical, are these edible? I thought to myself.

“Don´t be scared, you look scared all the day.” She pushed her hand into my face with that black berry. So I ate it.

“What´s your name?” I finally asked, usually in Spain we introduce ourselves and then talk.

” Cindy.” And she started running again through the bushes and laughing and throwing these black berries at me. And me….just dodging the bombardment.

As the weeks passed we talked more, she had a boyfriend one of the cool kids. He thought I was an idiot, good thing was that after establishing myself that if you want to come and pick at me and physically put a hand on me your going to be getting hit back, the cool guys sort of left me alone. They would insult me, but thought twice or three times before getting into a brawl with me. But Cindy, there she was. There we where every afternoon in the black berry bushes and one day it happened and I felt her lips. That was our own private spot, for the afternoon that was our spot, our magical spot.

Time went and the summer ended, so did she, but she ended it with a letter, which I still have stored away in some place of the house. That was her, Cindy. The mysterious happy go lucky Cindy and I was her serious, the one she confessed all the things, friend semi lover Charly. I can´t say in every girls life….I was her dream boy, but something special happened since she could be hanging out with all of her other friends but she chose to hang out with me. And kiss me and show me other things. But her happy go lucky, nice personality is what struck me and my way of being was probably something she found in some way strange and nice to be around. And she was a one of the cool girls that had a lot of personality and a lot of heart, a heart that just led her to talk and be with me even though I was not popular.

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