Happy Friday everyone! Today I´m greeting you from Funny Blog Friday (#FBF), the first ever blog hop party, yeeehaaaa! Are you excited or what….No? your loss. Anyways I´m suppose to give free give aways things like maybe a free ebook, or some cool exciting thing about the internet social media world but since I´m pretty much a cave man when it gets to that, have no ebook nor have no idea much about apps or what gifts are out there I´m going to send you a Spanish paella if you want. You pay for the travel expense that is but the paella is free….makes sense. Now, what I can give you is a bunch of great funny people to read and as I see it I´ll give you the gift of knowledge which is much better than anything material, and my own little story that will hopefully make you cringe and the ending will make you cringe even more. So let´s get started then. The marching orders was to publish at 8 a.m Eastern time, that is U.S time which in my Eastern time is 2.p.m Spanish Eastern time, so had this holding on for about 6 hours and now I just hit publish so lets……….hit it!
Funny Bloggers already involved:
Victoria of http://angstanarchy.com/ she is the mastermind behind this.
Allana of White Girls Be Like… | “Cats, Twitter, Coors Light, & Everything In Between”
Jamie of Fits of Wit | Twenty-something. Sarcastic. Explicitly Blunt. I see the glass half full, usually containing extra bold coffee.
H.E Ellis of H.E. ELLIS | (insert pithy rejoinder here)
Alice of aliceatwonderland | . . . down the rabbit hole
Ben of Ben’s Bitter Blog | “We make bitter better.”
Jen of Properly Ridiculous | My Mostly Pleasant (Possibly Offensive) Perceptions
Lisa of Buddhaful Britt | C’mon Inner Peace… I Don’t Have All Damn Day
JC of JC’s Blog | Comedy. Satire. Other Things.
Sarah of Truth Shall Set You Free So Don’t Be A Crybaby | A dash of wit, A sprinkle of snark, A pinch of sarcasm, and some classy sass all baked in at 450 degrees!
Elke of The Pretty Platform
Jack of The Things I See Up Here
Chicks A & E of Too Funny Chicks
Kevin of Trailertrashdeluxe’s Blog | Life is Not a Patio Furniture Commercial
Karilin of Life, Etc. | Anything can happen
Pouring My Art Out | Ripping out my guts for your entertainment
ALLAH IS GREAT !!
“Mrs. Martinez ? where would you like these roses to go?” Mohammed asked the lady in charge of running the Martinez bull estate.
“Over there.” She said in her sweet voice pointing towards the apple tree.
Mohammed, a very religious Muslim person had been living in Spain for the past five years. He was initially from Morocco, was a hard worker working day and night to earn as much money as he could and then wire it to his home country since he had twelve people depending on him, three wife´s and nine children. He often thought that if his children didn´t end up in some profession that would pay good like being doctors he would probably waterboard them after all the work he was putting in for them.
Five years ago he came across Julia Martinez. Julia was the wife of a well known bull breeder of Andalucia, a southern region of Spain. After having spend a hot summer day knocking on doors offering his services as a gardener he eventually encountered Mrs. Martinez. He was struck both by her beauty and warm heart, while all the other people had dismissed him in quite a rude way Mr. Martinez had inmediately told him that if he worked hard he could start work the next day and that he could stay in the guest house. When he saw the guest house he thought he had just entered a temple. Mohammed turned out to be a hard worker ,very good at his profession and Mrs. Martinez rewarded him kindly with meals she herself prepared and paying him well above the average salary that the rest of the gardeners around the area where making.
“Mohammed, I´m going to need you this afternoon. I know it´s Friday and you like to take your walks into town but I really need your help today.”
“I will be delighted Mrs. Martinez.” He said with a smile.
Mohammed, as a good religious Muslim that he was, was now having very conflicting thoughts. He couldn´t stop fantasizing about Mrs. Martinez body, her dark long hair, her curves….he even found himself repositioning his muscle, subtly flying under her radar while she was talking with him since he didn´t want her to see a tent down there. The worst part is that he was also having impure thoughts with the daughter of Mrs. Martinez, her seventeen year old daughter that was like the mother. Long dark hair, dark skin, miracle curves, perfect rounded ass and breasts, and worst of all he was masturbating to those impure thoughts.
He had gone to the local mosque to seek help for his sins. There he had met Ayatollah Houdini, who preached his anger towards the Spanish government who had sent troops into Iraq in support of the American infidels. He reluctantly talked to the Ayatollah about his impure thoughts and that he has also eaten pig, and food during the Ramadan. The Ayatollah assured him that if he followed his advice he would be free of sins. If he did so he would soon find himself in paradise with seventeen virgins, he could already see those pure virgins with their legs closed just waiting for him to part them as Moses had parted the Red Sea.
Now he was sitting inside the mosque while Ayatollah Houdini preached, “In the name of the only and great God, may you strike the infidels, may you hit them where it hurts them. They have killed our women and children, you should fight for Allah!!” The Ayatollah started his Friday sermon with the exact same sentence.
Mohammed raised his hand, the others raised their eye brows not really knowing why a person would interrupt the great Houdini in the middle of his sermon “Excuse me great Ayatollah, when you say strike back at the infidels do you mean only american infidels living in Spain or spanish people too?”
This guy is a bit slow, the Ayatollah thought. “Our great God says punish those who serve the infidels, punish the Spanish because they voted for a government that then went on to support the American infidels in their infidelic crusade against our Muslim brothers. I say….God say´s, spanish are as much infidels as american infidels.”
Mohammed´s moment of confusion and hesitation finally disappeared and know his mind was at peace. This night he and two others from the mosque would go on to put 100 kilos of TNT plastic explosives around the town. On his way to Mrs. Martinez estate he came across Maria, the daughter.
“Hi Mohammed.” Maria said smiling with her thick lips.
“Hi Miss. Maria.” he replied in kind becoming red in the face. Shit not again, he thought. The blood pressure was starting to make a certain muscle in his body to be noticed a bit too much in his tight black trousers
Maria, a smart seventeen year old girl, was aware of Mohammed´s muscle problem when she talked with him. She had long since gotten to the conclusion that he was going to be the one. She would loose her virginity to him, and she knew that he would never say anything since if word got out her parents would literally destroy his life and the life of his family back in Morocco.
“I need you to come to the barn to help me out with some things.”
“Not a problem Miss. Maria.”
Mohammed followed her, five paces back looking at how beautiful her jeans fit her round tight ass. As he walked he repositioned his muscle so it wouldn´t be notice, so he thought. They finally got to the barn.
“What is it exactly you need me to help you with?” Mohammed asked in his most courteous voice.
Maria walked up to him, her face inches apart from his. Mohammed was paralized, all his muscles where tense. She pressed her petite body against his, she could feel his muscle enlarging by the second.
“uuu” Maria giggled, “It´s very big, I knew it.”
Mohammed prayed to Allah so HE would give him strength to say no, but at the moment the only strength he was gaining was between his legs. Maria went to work on him until they both reached their climax.
“You know what Mohammed?” She asked as she was passing her index finger through his lips and sucking on them.
Mohammed still in a state of shock, managed to utter “What?”
“You are my first one.”
Mohammed couldn´t believe her. He told her she was lying but she then went on to explain why she had chosen him. At first anger burned him but then the great revelation came to Mohammed, I just popped the cherry of a virgin! Mohammed starting to jump up and down chanting “Allah Ackbar!” ( Allah is great) and quickly dressed himself and went running to the mosque to see the Ayatollah Houdini. He explained to the Ayatollah that he no longer had to commit the attacks on the infidels since God had already chosen him for paradise, he was one virgin down, so almost halfway there and hence there was no use in getting his hands bloody.