cancer

Stuck with a corpse

I have seen death before, and violent ones,
never struck me my mother would be part
of this tragic art.
I had my mind so prepared for this that I don´t cry.
Why?
I have been since Monday seeing her deteriorate and I´m not irrate,
it was exactly how I focused it in my mind for months, yet I don´t know why,
I do know why really, long story, but I´m the one in the family stuck seeing here
hour after hour hour after hour day plus day her deterioration to death,
Today I had to take a breath,
Got drunk.
If she is already uncoscious, she is going into a comma, I don´t even know if she is already in
the comma, doctors options told me and my father (we are only two left in the family)
that they could extend it for a week or so, but what kind of life is she having?
None, I see her in bed and detach myself, and consider this is the woman that raised me and
even at my age of 30 ´s I would everyday call her and tell her my crazy things for
her to laugh at me…. which I loved, I´m just the dummy. Yet at the same time when
the shit hits the fan, I´m the one stuck with her, and at this point I don´t know why,
she is unconscious, she looks like a corpse, and I lied before, I just cried while talking
to a hot nurse. She was too nice I think that was why the nurse made me cry, I don´t need
nice shit, I have to be detached if not I can´t function.
And I´m sleeping next to my mother knowing that I have no clue when she is going to stop breathing.
She put up with me for too many years(not always) but most of them, although if you think
about it, is kind of freaky seeing a corpse but for now breathes, and I don´t know if she
will stop breathing in half an hour, hour, tomorrow, nobody fucking knows. And me just standing
by to give the O.K for the people to take her to rest out of this fucking hospital. Fuck.

The nurse told me that having this song would in her subconscious would register… not sure about that
she liked the series and the music so I put it up in the computer to see if there is a reaction from her
no, no reaction, my guess is the hot nurse told me so to make me feel better, that is probably she
made me cry like a bitch, don´t need nice now. I do have to be detached. Fucking weird, yet it is life right?
Mother lived a great life, I´m the black sheep, yet I´m the one day after day, minute after minute in
a freaking hospital room trying to figure out if she is breathing constantly or not so constantly and the rest…
Just life. I would give right now everything for me to be dead rather than her. I know me, that is truth.
Just got to move forward, no other choice. This is the song she likes, I did introduce it to her though,
she likes the gangster things of that period plus the music. Just playing it over and over.

(I do realize in this situation the clip is kind of weird, yet is me and my family, fuck I need a cigarette)

Stage IV cancer

Three and a half years since mother was diagnosed
It was a hard punch in the nose
Back in the hospital again
Only difference she won´t walk out this time
I sit next to her all day and watch her decline
Talk to father he has to move his own things making life keep going for him-
My mothers wishes for him within
And I´m watching a corpse pretty much
My head has wrapped around the idea such
She rarely has her lucid moments
Today it briefly happened they were my omens
Not easy to watch your mother becomming a cadavre slowy
Yet surely
But I´m unable to cry
Goodby

Got internet now in the hospital so read ya´ll later you innovator.

Death

Qite the title that one, yet is true and I don´t see blue.
3 days ago I call my mother, she doesn´t pick up, I call father…
He picks up. Tells me my mother is in ICU. She does has terminal cancer
But 3 days ago it really hit me(He could have told me before). Writting it now, quite frustrating
to not be able to see her( I had been in that hospital numerous of times)
and take care of her. Believe it or not I´m pretty good at keeping the calm
and making her laugh… at me that is, but I know she is good to go.
Not this time, my mother doesn´t even want the cell phone so I can´t communicate
obviously. I can´t show up in the hospital. I don´t know really, better to
switch off and watch a porn. Nothing I can do. We knew this day was coming,
no crying with dad, that is a no no in my family but my guess is that mother would
like to see I didn´t go off the cliff completely. JUst a weird thought, might ass well
get into learning, really learning how to write.

Have a great day gents and gentesses.

Love you with no tears

That is my mother, sheeee hot!
I was talking to her one hour ago (she suffers from terminal cancer)
And me the dummy trying in my mind to make her laugh, she started caughing and hanged up.
Not a good sign obviously. Still waiting for a call.
I cried, then I thought to myself “what the fuck is crying going to help?”
Nothing. Or calling her… Nothing. It is getting me pissed off, she is mom.
I guess my point is that I have never seen a stronger woman, so forget about the small shit.
Just small it is, they say this or that about you here there.. Fuck that.
Familly is first.
At the same time have to disconnect, for my own mental health, disconnect of what might be happening
now. I have to be sober and let the things fall wherever they might fall but I have confidence
in my father that he´ll take care of her better than other person in the world.

Fucking knew this was gonna happen when you least expected.. fuckin knew it