I have seen death before, and violent ones,
never struck me my mother would be part
of this tragic art.
I had my mind so prepared for this that I don´t cry.
I have been since Monday seeing her deteriorate and I´m not irrate,
it was exactly how I focused it in my mind for months, yet I don´t know why,
I do know why really, long story, but I´m the one in the family stuck seeing here
hour after hour hour after hour day plus day her deterioration to death,
Today I had to take a breath,
If she is already uncoscious, she is going into a comma, I don´t even know if she is already in
the comma, doctors options told me and my father (we are only two left in the family)
that they could extend it for a week or so, but what kind of life is she having?
None, I see her in bed and detach myself, and consider this is the woman that raised me and
even at my age of 30 ´s I would everyday call her and tell her my crazy things for
her to laugh at me…. which I loved, I´m just the dummy. Yet at the same time when
the shit hits the fan, I´m the one stuck with her, and at this point I don´t know why,
she is unconscious, she looks like a corpse, and I lied before, I just cried while talking
to a hot nurse. She was too nice I think that was why the nurse made me cry, I don´t need
nice shit, I have to be detached if not I can´t function.
And I´m sleeping next to my mother knowing that I have no clue when she is going to stop breathing.
She put up with me for too many years(not always) but most of them, although if you think
about it, is kind of freaky seeing a corpse but for now breathes, and I don´t know if she
will stop breathing in half an hour, hour, tomorrow, nobody fucking knows. And me just standing
by to give the O.K for the people to take her to rest out of this fucking hospital. Fuck.
The nurse told me that having this song would in her subconscious would register… not sure about that
she liked the series and the music so I put it up in the computer to see if there is a reaction from her
no, no reaction, my guess is the hot nurse told me so to make me feel better, that is probably she
made me cry like a bitch, don´t need nice now. I do have to be detached. Fucking weird, yet it is life right?
Mother lived a great life, I´m the black sheep, yet I´m the one day after day, minute after minute in
a freaking hospital room trying to figure out if she is breathing constantly or not so constantly and the rest…
Just life. I would give right now everything for me to be dead rather than her. I know me, that is truth.
Just got to move forward, no other choice. This is the song she likes, I did introduce it to her though,
she likes the gangster things of that period plus the music. Just playing it over and over.
(I do realize in this situation the clip is kind of weird, yet is me and my family, fuck I need a cigarette)
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